Things I’d Rather Do Than See Madea’s Witness Protection

It’s official: Tyler Perry hates black people. What other logical explanation is there for the creation of yet another disastrous addition to the Madea series? And while some people don’t mind paying 10 bucks to sit in a theater surrounded by black church ladies to watch the world’s Most Acclaimed Minstrel show, I don’t really see the point.

I mean, if you’ve seen the other 8,000 Perry films, you already know whats going to happen:

[Opening Credits]

• Enter Madea. Still not wearing a bra. She slaps some kids around and slides around in her house shoes, providing us with images of The Mammy and hypermasculine-”strong black woman” within five minutes of the film.
• Secondary characters will over-act, over dramatize, over-emphasize the already cliched script.
• Heroine will consist of either a vulnerable single mother who’s been victimized by a man and meets a light-skinned dude who will “sweep her off her feet” and Teach Her To Let Her Guard Down and Love Again or a callous, cut-throat career woman who finds out that if she doesn’t Take Care of Her Man and have his babies, someone else will.
• Insert vague Christian moral lessons from Madea.(church ladies will nod in agreement)
• More over-acting, someone crying at this point.
• Cicely Tyson appears out of nowhere and says something “profound”.

[End credits]

And even if the movie does differ from the aforementioned concepts, there are a bizillion things i’d rather do than see it. Ahem:

Things I’d Rather Do Than See Madea’s Witness Protection [Unless Otherwise Forced At Gunpoint]:

1.) Be strapped to a chair, having to listen to Justin Beiber songs on a continuous loop, for the next 24 hours.

2.) Go sweater-vest shopping with Rick Santorum.

3.) Replace my current wardrobe with Snuggies and Crocs in assorted colors.

4.) Get a yeast infection.

5.) Engage in carnal activities with Flavor Flav.

6.) Let Stevie Wonder give me a haircut in the dark.

7.) Do a pantsless split on a bed of nails.

8.) See Rick Ross naked.

9.) Have a face-to-face conversation with a person suffering from Halitosis who will speak in words only beginning with the letter “H”.

10.) Become a registered Republican, vote for Romney in November, be exposed as a fraud by my contemporaries, change my name, dye my hair, move to a remote location, and need a witness protection program of my own.

[Originally posted on http://negress.wordpress.com]