A Happy Effing Period to you too!

Based on the number of wonderful women who visit this site each day, I’m assuming many of you are probably suffering with me. Feeling crampy and sleepless at 4am is an unfortunate byproduct of being an aforementioned wonderful woman.

I feel that menstrual cycles are really under-discussed still in our society. As a scholar, my greatest tool for addressing stigma is knowledge, talking about something until it becomes a casual, natural thing.

Sometimes though, you just need some chocolate and laughs, so armed with Lindors and a heating pad, I jumped over to my favourite menstrual site: The Museum of Menstruation and Women’s Health

In addition to some great resources and images on the history of women’s health and menstruation around the world, there is a kick ass humour section with reader submissions. Here is one of my faves:

This is an actual letter sent to Procter & Gamble from **** ****, Austin, Texas, regarding their feminine products. . . .

Dear Mr. ****,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. ****? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.”

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo.” Therefore, you must also know about the the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . . which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful wanted to reach inside my body and and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period. “

Are you f**king kidding me? Does any part of your middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, ****? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local KMart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer ” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong ,” or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
**** ****
Austin, Texas

lmao. “brand of condescending bullshit” hits the spot, eh? I want menstrual products designed BY women FOR women. Reasonably-priced, tax-free, non-toxic, body and environment-friendly, comfortable and stigma-free. Then I’ll have a happy effing period.

Any other faves? Humourous commiserating is a great way to deal.

Love,

Bex