A Long Way To Go: My frustrations with the pro-feminist men’s movement

Last month, I attended a conference at the College of Saint Benedict/Saint John’s University in St. Joseph, Minnesota which was billed as the “First National Conference For Campus Based Men’s Gender Equality and Anti-Violence Groups”. Initially excited to be around pro-feminist allies who were willing to engage in tough discussion about issues related to masculinity and men’s violence against women, I left feeling disheartened rather than refreshed and revitalized. The reason being that several of the conference’s most outspoken attendees treaded anti-feminist ground by suggesting the conversation about men’s violence needs to be de-gendered, and that instead we use neutral language to talk about violence as a whole. Most anyone who has written on the subject of gender-based violence prevention notes that hegemonic masculinity and male socialization needs to be addressed as one of the core causes of men’s violence against women. Additionally, many people had qualms with the phrase “men’s violence against women”. One panel presenter stated outright that women need to “learn to listen to men” and sadly opined that it was “like the oppressed don’t want to listen to their oppressors”. When this happened, I felt unsafe in a place I was supposed to feel comfortable in – as these were men who were supposed to be different from the anti-feminist, sexist men I interacted with on a daily basis. But here they were, reitirating the same tired talking points we were trying to dismiss. Needless to say, I (and others, both male and female) called this presenter out and lambasted him and the other men stating anti-feminist viewpoints.
I was further angered when I read the results of this survey, where “male allies” are suggesting that men sexually assault other men in order that harassers learn how it feels to be a woman in our society, others suggest women talk to men and keep us in check. In other words, it’s women’s responsibility to NOT get harassed, but also to keep men in check. So now women need to be forced into a traditional nurturing/caregiving role? More responses to the survey suggest that it’s not fair for men to call out other men because there is a fear of violence. I would ask these respondents, “how do you think the women feel?” Another “male ally” response notes, “I think it is important for a victim, regardless of the crime, to make clear to bystanders if they want anyone to intervene.” In other words, women need to be “good victims,” otherwise they can be blamed. I also read this response as looking for any excuse to diffuse men’s responsibilities in combating men’s violence against women.

The question I have is, how do we as men reach out to other male allies? Clearly, if someone is attending a conference or browsing websites about stopping street harassment they at least have a little interest in the subject. There is a lot of infighting that needs to be addressed and I don’t feel we male allies have been addressing it. In the female-led feminist movement, I see women challenging each other on racism, classism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. As male allies, we need to do a better job of calling out other men. Too often, I feel like male allies settle for less. It’s great that a man wants to be involved, but one of the best ways for us to continue building a strong pro-feminist male ally movement is to challenge one another.
What are ways that we can do this? Any suggestions? How should we call out other men who think they know what’s up? What strategies have you used that work?