My Mother the Mail Order Bride

I just finished reading the article written by a mail order bride, Lara Loeb Samhita posted on the main page earlier today. And while I’m happy that Loeb’s experience turned out good for her, I noticed that most of the comments were one of two extremes. 1) I’m glad this worked out for you/ you’re amazing/ etc. or 2) mail order bride websites are evil/ bad/ degrading. All of these comments are a pretty far evaluation of the article or the practice itself. But one comment in particular really got to me; it was basically comparing mail order bride services to human trafficking. These two things are not the same at all! My Mother was a mail order bride and I can attest to the difference:
My Mother was born in Ertil, Russia, USSR in 1964, just one year after Ertil was given official town-hood; it was merely a village before this. It is one of the few cities in Russia that’s population has gone down over the past 40 years. Needless to say my Mother’s family (and everyone else in the town) was (and is) very poor–she once told me that the most expensive thing in her house while she was growing up was a six speed bicycle. Basically, things were tight for everyone, and not just because of communism; most people in Ertil still live like this.

If anyone knows something about Russia, they know that unless you are born in Moscow or St. Petersburg your life is practically set out before you. Males either join the military or farm and females work in a factory, or farm, and have babies, lots of babies. This was the last thing my Mother wanted; she hated living not only in Ertil, but in Russia. So, when she was 17 (in 1982) she registered herself with a mail order bride service that catered to Americans. Contrary to popular belief these companies (and websites now) do not SELL people, they’re more like a dating service, but ultimately the man pays the woman’s way into the country and agrees to support her while she’s here. Now, I’m not condoning mail order bride services, but it bothers me when people assume my Mother was sold, she was NOT. Also, in Russia, the service isn’t as stigmatized as it is in America (especially in the early 1980’s). It was a way fro my Mother to get to America and make a better life for herself, if marriage was what it took then marriage was what would be done.
Three and a half months later a man named Armand paid for my Mother’s trip to America. They were married two months later (just after my Mother’s 18th birthday). From what she’s told me, Armand wasn’t an ideal husband. He did view my Mother as his property and insisted she acted like it. My Mother couldn’t speak very much English, at the time and really had no chose but to stay with him. When my Mother and Armand had been married about two years (and she could speak proficient English) my Mother found out that she could leave. In America woman are not bound to there husbands, as she had been brainwashed to believe. Also, she wouldn’t be deported if she found a job. So, she did. She left Armand and found a job selling make-up at a JC Penny. A year later she married my Father and they’ve been together ever since.
Basically, I have a hard time condemning mail order bride services. I probably never would have been born if it weren’t for them. However, I do realize that they aren’t ideal and they can lead to extremely bad situations. The emotional abuse my Mother endured was bad, but I’m sure there are many worse situations. Again, though, I’m glad Loeb found love this way, and I guess my Mother did to (indirectly), but please stop comparing mail order bride services to human trafficking. It really hurts some of us.