Elizabeth Warren: “I will fix this sh*t myself if I have to”

Transcript after the jump.

Yeah, it’s a parody, but it still pretty perfectly illustrates the eloquent, fearless, unapologetically progressive style that has made Elizabeth Warren a Feministing favorite for awhile. And If you haven’t seen the original video of Warren dropping some knowledge on the social contract, you really should.


We have a chance to rebuild America’s middle class. I am Elizabeth Warren and I am running for U.S. Senate to fuck some shit up. [text: priorities] We need to concentrate on education, construction, and renewable energy. But we also need to focus on retribution. That’s why I would push for legislation that gives every American a revenge voucher and one you have this voucher, you would be allowed to kick anyone from Wall Street right in the balls. [text: my middle class upbringing] You know, I grew up on the ragged edge of the middle class and I know it’s hard out there. Hell, I joined a gang when I was only eleven. I’ve broken a man’s arm just to see what it looked like. But you know what I did after that? I broke my own arm–it’s called empathy. [text: no one got rich on their own] You built a factory out there. Good for you! But you don’t have to be such a dick about it. You should pay your fair share. We’re all very excited that you made a killing selling those little USB thumb-drives shaped like little hamburgers. But let me be clear: You moved your USB hamburgers to markets on roads that the rest of us paid for. You hired USB hamburger-making workers that the rest of us paid to educate. Your precious, little hamburgers stayed safe in their little buns because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us pay for. OK? So in a sense, we all helped to make your tiny hamburgers. Damnit, will someone make me a hamburger…[text: to Senator Scott Brown] I want to apologize to Senator Scottt Brown. And I promise to replace the pair of pants that he shit when he found out he might have to run against me. Seriously, I do want to congratulate Senator Brown for starting the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Oh wait, that was me. [text: to the haters] [Swigs on beer] [text: wrapping it up] I’m Elizabeth Warren and I will fix this sh–t myself if I have to.”

St. Paul, MN

Maya Dusenbery is executive director in charge of editorial at Feministing. She is the author of the forthcoming book Doing Harm: The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick (HarperOne, March 2018). She has been a fellow at Mother Jones magazine and a columnist at Pacific Standard magazine. Her work has appeared in publications like Cosmopolitan.com, TheAtlantic.com, Bitch Magazine, as well as the anthology The Feminist Utopia Project. Before become a full-time journalist, she worked at the National Institute for Reproductive Health. A Minnesota native, she received her B.A. from Carleton College in 2008. After living in Brooklyn, Oakland, and Atlanta, she is currently based in the Twin Cities.

Maya Dusenbery is an executive director of Feministing and author of the forthcoming book Doing Harm on sexism in medicine.

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