What no one tells you about life after your toxic relationship

There’s no handy pocket guide to relationships (or life, for that matter).

Instead, we must rely on the “live and learn” motto in most cases. However, it’d be nice for someone to write up a quick For Dummies book on coping with life after harmful, toxic, abusive relationships. Right?

Personally, I find there is no better healer than to understand that you are not alone. This applies to so many things. Whatever you are going through – I promise someone else has gone through it and made it. It’s comforting.

Take, here, a toxic relationship. More specifically, the end of said relationship and the continuation of your normal life afterward. Often seen as a taboo subject, you may have never heard about the (long) healing process that follows an abusive relationship. There is no time limit, there is no set of actions that can completely rid you of every negative thought. But just knowing that what you are going through is normal can be one of the most therapeutic things you learn.

Ending a relationship which was detrimental to your physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual well-being is not always a freeing experience. You probably won’t skip out of the room throwing confetti. You might cry, you will definitely be emotional, and sometimes that person might find their way back into your life. There will be people who do not understand your right to be upset. How can you cry over someone who hurt you? Because it’s still heartbreak.

You will feel every emotion of a break-up. Differently. You loved this person, regardless of their treatment of you. You will miss them suddenly, you will immediately put on rose-colored glasses and think “maybe it wasn’t so bad.” You will be angry, heartbroken, frustrated, lost. You are entitled to deeply feel whatever emotions come about. Often, one of the best things you can do is simply allow yourself to feel. Do not avoid sadness or anger. Take them head-on. Cry.

You will think about this person – a lot. Unfortunately, like with any breakup, you will hear songs that make you think of the first time you kissed or see that show you both loved. There will be reminders of them everywhere you go. You might be listening to the radio, hear their favorite band, and suddenly want to cry. It might not make sense to other people, but subtle memories of that person can genuinely ruin your mood. Like I said, cry.

You will remember the things they said. And these things may impact you every single day. Damaging statements about your physical appearance could alter the way you see yourself or be harmful to your health. Comments about your ability to be loved again could change your view on relationships and love. Anything that person every told you about your self-worth, potential, intelligence, etc. will remain in your head for some time. Though you may feel ridiculous – it’s okay. A long-term relationship can truly impact the way you think. Hearing the same thing over and over eventually makes it feel real. Reminder: it’s not. Define your own self-worth. Go after everything you want in life. Remember that you do not need to change your appearance to please anyone but yourself. Do not value the opinion of someone who intended to hurt you.

Not everyone will have your side. This is hands-down the hardest lesson. You may have lost friends, you may have lost respect for a family member. Not every single person in your life will believe you, support you, or remain in your life. Mutual friends may take their side. You might distance yourself from friends who did not care for you like they should. Eventually, you will realize the benefits of removing such negative people from your life. Initially, it is going to suck. Losing friends might make you feel totally alone. Find a person in your life who unconditionally loves you and stick with them.

The best advice I can offer is to simply take care of yourself. Cry, rip up their picture, call a friend, eat some ice cream. Eventually, be okay. Learn to cope with your thoughts and remind yourself that relationship is in the past and you will be able to be happy, loved, and cared for again. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. Try new things, meet new people, fall in love again.

Life will always go on.