Physical abuse cannot be viewed as ‘harder’ than verbal abuse

There is something about morning coffee after a good night’s sleep that tends to bring all the thoughts.

This morning, I read an US Weekly article about Sarah Hyland that emphasized how her former partner was both verbally and physically abusive.  And I just need to say, B-R-A-V-O US Weekly, and any other outlet that highlights the trauma of both forms of abuse.

We cannot let verbal abuse become an even more marginalized and overlooked while other forms of abuse are remedied.

It is so important that verbal abuse is discussed as much as physical abuse.  Verbal attacks can be even more difficult to spot and even more quieted behind closed doors.  Yet, it is equally as manipulative, dangerous and damaging to those who experience it.

The fact that we do not give verbal abuse more attention has really bothered me recently. Why is a black eye the only thing that equates to violence worth changing?

Let me be clear, a black eye, or any form of non-verbal abuse, is absolutely unacceptable.  I remain a huge advocate against all forms of violence.  No form of abuse can, nor should, be equated against one another.

Hard is hard. Everyone has their own version of hard.  We cannot measure what one person has dealt with against what another person has dealt with.  We need to begin viewing abuse this same way.

Physical abuse cannot be viewed as ‘harder’ than verbal abuse.  Verbal abuse that becomes physical abuse cannot be viewed as “harder” than verbal abuse that never turns physical.

It is all hard.  It is also all abuse, and we need to make a conscientious effort to eliminate each type of abuse as conversations about relationship violence continue in mainstream discussions.

I worry the more we discuss domestic violence publicly, the more a formerly uneducated public is only equating battery, i.e. physical abuse, to domestic violence.

Stalking, sexual assault, economic manipulation, rape, verbal abuse and physical abuse are all forms of relationship violence.  If we are only talking about one, two or three of these forms, those experiencing other forms may not feel empowered to reach out because they may believe that the public will not support them, or view their experiences as legitimate.

Perhaps worse, bystanders may not receive the message that verbal abuse is abuse, and they may unintentionally miss an opportunity to intervene and save a friend, coworker or family member from the veiled hell they live in as belittling and manipulative words are hurled their way, shattering their self-worth.

In a way, the fact that we fail to discuss verbal abuse as often as we discuss physical abuse, further demonstrates just how much it is entrenched in our culture to view women as objects.

“Oh no! Her perfect exterior is ruined! This LOOKS horrific.”

But when it is verbal – an abuse that devalues and harms the mind without ever laying fingers on the body – society’s knee jerk reaction tends to be, “Ehh, maybe she’s just being emotional…he’s not that bad.”

It is uncomfortable to consider, but are we possibly, just maybe, perhaps, underpinning the awful patriarchal tradition that a woman’s thoughts and feelings are frivolous and her mind need not be valued…as long as her face is pretty!

What are we reinforcing with phrases like, “It will not be tolerated if one of our players ever lays a hand on a woman.”

Could we broaden our standards just a little bit by instead saying, “No man should disrespect women, physically, verbally, sexually etc.”

Further, maybe… “No human, including men…[but maybe some of our ‘manly men’ don’t even actually identify as men and that’s totally okay]…so yeah, no human should violate, harm or disrespect another human…[again, because victims and survivors aren’t only women or men and we must be inclusive of all individuals regardless of a false gender binary]…sexually, physically, verbally etc.”

The standard seems fair enough.  And if that is going to be our standard, as it should, we need to make sure the messages we put forth in press conferences, magazine articles, personal conversations and the like continue to advocate for freedom from all forms of abuse.

We cannot let survivors and victims of verbal abuse become further silenced and marginalized as victims and survivors of other forms of abuse have their voices heard.

*First posted to The Language Effect