Time for a masculinist movement (an exercise in satire)

I have a vagina and big balls. The vagina, I was born with; the balls, well … my ex-boss once called after me as we said goodbye (in public), “Congratulations on your big balls!” It was a compliment.

It would be an insult to tell a man born with big balls that he’d acquired a figurative vagina.

I get to be masculine because of the feminist movement. So I’m calling for a masculinist movement. Hey guys, want to make sure we know you see us all as equals? Girl up.

No, I don’t need you to paint your toenails. I like painting my toenails, but girling up doesn’t necessarily mean getting “girly.”

Here’s the how-to:

1) If you are a potential “good guy” rapist, practice saying no to sex. You may have to rehearse in front of the mirror before you say no to an actual human being, since I’m told by the entire universe that guys never say no to sex. Tape record yourself saying no and play it back to yourself so you realize how good you can make “no” sound. Then get drunk and repeat the process so you can hear how great you can make “no” sound drunk.

2) Walk around town in a bikini bathing suit and count how many women rape you.

3) If you’ve got a thing for virgins, walk into a bar wearing a sign with your age and the phrase, “Virgin available here.” (Note: If by some miracle you get lucky that night, if you’re not really a virgin, you’re obligated to confess that you were wearing the sign as a sociological experiment. I’m not letting you break a woman’s heart on my account.)

4) If you’ve got a thing for women you call “sluts,” for the next week, address yourself as “slutty me” in all email, phone, text, IM, Facebook, face-to-face, and all other personal communications. Example Facebook post: “Slutty me, I just bought out Costco’s supply of guacamole for this weekend’s epic taco spectaco.” (Note: The point here is to advertise yourself as “naughty,” since you take so much pleasure in reminding women of their naughtiness. Costco, guacamole, and sluttiness are in no way intrinsically related. And spectaco is not a word.) 

5) Consider changing your last name when you get married. Sure, a handful of American women keep their maiden names, but most change ‘em, while almost all American men keep theirs. What, you wouldn’t take your wife’s last name? Even if your last name is Fink and hers is London and your name would sound sooooooooo much cooler if you grabbed hers while you had the chance? Just think about it. Also, when you marry Chelsea London, make sure all future formal correspondence addresses you as “Mr. Chelsea London.” You are Chelsea’s property, after all.

6) While we’re on marriage, have your dad “give you away” on your wedding day. I presume if your bride is owned and given away by her dad, and she’s given to you, her future spouse, then your dad also owns and can give you away to the woman that will see you through to your dying days – and maybe buy you a Corvette if she happens to be one of those wives that out-earn their husbands.

7) If you have a baby, the kid gets your wife’s family name. (Or you could flip a coin …)

8) If you have a baby, demand that your work give you time off to care for the poor bitty one. You can’t breastfeed, so the kid needs extra time to bond with daddy in her formative months.

9) Next time you’re negotiating salary, take whatever the employer offers you and counteroffer about a 23 percent discount. Wait, women don’t actually ask for less money. Okay, find an employer that will offer you about 77 percent of what you’re worth, ask for more, get shot down, and find a way to be okay with it.

10) Research birth control and pick your method of choice. You like the IUD? Fine. Calculate its cost per day. Every time you have sex with a woman who’s providing birth control that she has paid for, pay her back that cost you calculated the next morning. Wait! Women need to use some forms of birth control ALL THE TIME, not just when they have sex. So Susie hasn’t had sex in six months, but she’s taken the pill or had an implant or borne the IUD that whole time. So you can’t just pay her costs for the one night you spent together – you have to pay for that whole six months of birth control she was taking so she’d be protected on the night you met! But if Susie has an implant, why are you paying the cost of the IUD? Well, Susie decided how much to pay for birth control on her own, so she may be paying more or less than you would have liked her to pay. So you decide on your own how much you’re willing to pay for the best stuff around, and if you pay more than Susie’s birth control actually costs, well, that’s just the risk you took when you picked out the form of birth control you thought would best control birth.

Honestly, I don’t think society will ever consider it a compliment to have a vagina unless you were born with one or had one surgically installed. But if you become a masculinist, you can at least find out what having a vagina is all about!