“Could hyper-masculinity be ruining your marriage?”

A SYTYCB entry

The Huffington Post recently published an article discussing the effects of income differences on heterosexual relationships, specifically speaking of those differences in which the female partner out-earns the male. Based on a study published in the online journal “Sex Roles”, the article reports that men who possess traditional views about masculinity are often off-put by female partners who earn more than they do, stating that the income gap contributes to “poor quality relationships.”

This article came about at a really interesting time in my life and left me wondering how gender roles affect relationships when she brings in more money than he does? How can it be fixed? Can it?

I would love to know how to fix this problem because yes, it can be a problem.

As a young professional female, I out-earn my military boyfriend. It’s not a hugely significant financial disparity but for a hyper-masculine guy like my partner, it definitely acts as source of unnecessary tension in our relationship. As a couple living together, we openly communicate about our finances and work together to share the burden of supporting a home. Money has never really been an issue until recently when a lot of large financial expenditures have come my way. We’re talking having to buy a new car, enrolling in an online MBA program, and moving into a newer (read: more expensive) apartment to escape the hovel that we currently live in. Needless to say, my bank account is hurting and he knows it.

Being the amazing man that he is, watching my struggle financially and not having the means to alleviate my pain (not that I would let him, mind you!) upsets him.  A simple statement along the lines of, “I don’t think we should do x because I really need to save up,” spirals into conversations with phrases like “I’m such a loser,” and “I’m so sorry I’m letting you down,” coming out of his mouth. My initial response was complete shock:

Where is this coming from? Have I done something to make him feel this way?

And then anger: How dare he think his value is in his money! What does he think I am, a gold digger?!

But eventually I realized it wasn’t me.

The article hits the nail on the head in pointing out that the key to this struggle is not necessarily anything internal to our relationship. It’s not because he’s falling short of some expectation I have of him. It’s society’s expectations that he’s under-delivering on. It’s “… because society tells him he is a loser” if he is not the financial king of the proverbial castle that he feels like one. My way of handling it? I try my best not to get frustrated with him (or take it personally) when he expresses the loser sentiment. I try to reinforce that his value is  not in his ability (or inability) to support me financially. Most of all, I try to show him where his value does lie: in his deep desire to take care of me and our relationship and to try his best to make everything okay.

It’s often said that money is one of the main things couples argue about (other topics include: toilet seat positioning, margarine vs. butter, etc.). What’s your take on this issue? Do you have a solution to the gender divide?