Stuff Screenwriters Like: Spunky Blonde Ladies with Accents

The Spunky Blonde Lady With An Accent is an awards favorite, and she’s not stopping this year. Disney’s resurrected the Seabiscuit franchise with Diane Lane in a bad wig. And granted, Lane’s character doesn’t really have an accent, but based on the fact that she whispers through the whole trailer, I’d bet she’s trying really hard to fake it. Especially since everyone else in the movie sounds like they’re from south of the Mason-Dixon, and there’s a guy named “Lucien.”

And this stock role is based on a handful of identifiers…

Her voice speaks volumes.

The accent must be Southern, or sound Southern to the not-so-finely-tuned ears of America. Texan will probably work just fine, Tami Taylor. This is because sass is never charming unless it comes with a bit of drawl–except occasionally, maybe, if it comes in the form of a Louis Virtel quip. And both outspoken and lovable are crucial qualities of the Spunky Blonde Lady. She’s a tough cookie, y’all. But certainly not a tough lady-who-hails-from-the-Midwest. Those are scary.

She serves out attitude.

The Blonde with an accent may dish out sass, but she do’n take none. She’s too forward-thinking to tolerate intolerance or long lines at the DMV. This lady is audacious, saucy, and strong-willed, even if her language is tame. The whole uber-polite thing on “Friday Night Lights” is as foreign to me as the socially restrained exchanges in Austen novels, but it plays hilariously when it’s caustic-sweet. Brenda Leigh Johnson of “The Closer” punctuates every interrogation and instruction with a sing-song-y “Thank you so much!” that sounds like one word and is dripping with cheeky smugness.

But sometimes no such veiled subtext is necessary.

She is a sh*t-stirrer.

She might raise eyebrows by dressing like kind of a skank or housing a black kid or dating a vampire or going up against a big corporation to save Marg Helgenberger from cancer. Apparently in Secretariat, Diane Lane is doing something super revolutionary with horse racing. Nay, she’s doing something “impossible!” It doesn’t look that interesting to me, but I guess she’s supposed to be the talk of the town. I’m sure spending significant chunks of time with Super-Fly John Malkovich (who I suspect is, as Diablo Cody would say, “Crispin Glover-weird”) could have that effect. Regardless of circumstance, this broad is no stranger to being the subject of the rumor mill.   She probably just struts it off, like when Peyton on “One Tree Hill” marched down the hallway in a shirt that said “DYKE” after lesbi-gossip plagued her high school experience. Hey…Peyton’s southern and blonde. Except I haven’t seen nearly enough of that show to know that much.

ANYWAY…

I’m guessing part of Secretariat‘s schtick is that the protagonist is a woman, since the term “housewife” pops up in the trailer multiple times. How special that she’s doing something moderately game-changing while encumbered with a vagina.

She probably has kids.

Seriously, momma bear instincts go to waste on any other woman. If she doesn’t have kiddos, then she’s humanized by a kitty or Baby Vamp or something. I mean, they gotta temper the toughies with more than Southern charm. We know how fast that can turn when mixed with power tools and crazy. Besides, we might forget they have wombs!

She uses her powers of pluck for good.

Whether it’s solving crimes or saving the football team (and yeah, that whole getting a kid into college thing), her actions are good-intentioned. The Lady is unfailingly pure at heart. She probably doesn’t get all soft and mushy, though. She usually remains stoic (the truest cinematic sign of strength, right?), crying only when exhausted.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybNUOfmpcP0&feature=related]

WANT TO WIN AWARDS WITH YOUR SPUNKY BLONDE LADY?

1. The script must be based on a true story. Bonus points if it’s an “impossibly!” true story.

2. That story must be inspirational.

3. Hire an actor with brown hair. This is the only way to make it absolutely clear that this is a SERIOUS ROLE. It must be, to require a drastic hair color change, right? Because come on. Blonde is a character choice here.

Oh hey, look! The Spunky Southern Woman thing goes both ways!

Actually, I’m sure Jodie Foster could do whatever she wanted and still breathe out Oscar-worthy performances, but we all know this ain’t gonna git any statues.