The Glory of Motherhood and Shame

Being a mother is hard. I do not know this from first-hand experience, but a close-personal-friend is a mother, and this post will be primarily about her. Let’s pretend her name is something generic like Jane, okay?
Jane has a ten-month old son. She lives with the father of said son, they both raise their son, and he – we’ll call him John – works a full-time job and financially supports both baby and Jane, who is unable to work. (To clarify, Jane tried to work, but both Jane and John found the cost of daycare too prohibitive to make Jane’s paycheck financially worth it.)
Before Jane had her son, she had an exciting life. She had exciting jobs, that she did very well at, and that brought her decent paychecks. She had friends. Her life is drastically different, now. She only has a couple of close friends now, whom she isn’t able to see very often. She doesn’t have a job, and is financially dependent on somebody else, which bothers her to no end. She doesn’t go out with friends – who wants to hang out with a baby? She can’t really leave the house because with a ten-month-old, where are you going to go? Her interests and hobbies have dried up, and her life revolves around her son. She’s trying to go back to school, but is restricted to online classes because, like I mentioned above, daycare is just not a viable option.
Let’s examine John’s life. Before his son was born, he worked, hung out with friends, played video games, went hunting, fishing, and generally enjoyed a life of no strings attached manly freedom. After said baby was born, John works, hangs out with his friends, plays video games, goes fishing and about once a month goes out to the coast to spend a few days drinking and hunting and other various manly activities. When John wakes up in the morning he spends time with his son, and when he gets home after work. But he still finds time to do all the things he did before; his life has changed very little.

There is nothing people love to do more than shame mothers. The glory and miracle that is breastfeeding is touted by doctors and parenting magazines a like, but stories of companies kicking out breastfeeding mothers – like this one – are far from uncommon. And let’s not forget the job issues: according to a 2008 study, not only will mothers be “100% less likely to be hired” than non-mothers, and if they did get hired offered $11,000 less than their just-as-qualified-but-childless female coworkers, but “fathers got higher ratings than non-dads.” And in academia, fathers are much more likely to receive tenure, even more so than childless men, while the reverse is true for women.
Why are women punished (and shamed, don’t forget shamed) for motherhood but men are celebrated as fathers? John (see above) has managed to cram fatherhood into his life without affecting his social life very much. Jane, on the other hand, is practically a different person than she was a year ago, with radically different interests and aspirations. Why is this?
Motherhood is a lifestyle. Fatherhood is a job. That means that mothers never stop being mothers. They are always there to cook meals, wash clothes, help with homework and, if employed, litter their cubicle with pictures of their kids. Fathers? Well, men can wake up in the morning, go to work, and fatherhood isn’t a big part of their life. They don’t have to take time off for school events or paternity leave. Fathers aren’t the parent that is called if the child gets in trouble at school. When men get home from their job, then they can be fathers. It’s a hat they can take on and off, and no one begrudges them that right. Fathers can take business trips and relish their alone time. Mothers are only allowed these trips if they make sure and Skype with their children and poor lonely husband every night. Fathers have dens, and garages; mothers get kitchens and bedrooms.
You say we’ve moved beyond these 50’s-era suburban parenting stereotypes. You say parents come in all shapes and sizes, and parenting is evolving. And I would say that you’re right, except the “norm” is still that 50’s-era suburban stereotype. Pop-culture articles attempting to explain why mothers can’t be feminists is part of it. A man can be a father, a husband, an engineer, a democrat, a republican, an animal rights activist, an NRA sponsor, a race-car driver. A woman can only be a mother, or a feminist, or an engineer. Women are generally not allowed to define themselves under more than one category, so when a woman – who is a mother – is not acting as motherly as is socially accepted, here come the pointing fingers and cold stares.
Jane complained how it’s not fair that John gets to spend so much time out of the house but she is stuck inside it. She received a lecture from her mother about how “that’s just what being a mother is about.” Jane attempted to take classes at a community college but ended up failing because John was not willing to rearrange his schedule – or sacrifice his social life – to get home in time for her to leave for class. Interestingly enough, this was not seen as a failure on John’s part, but rather on Jane’s. Jane did not work hard enough, and if she just put her head down and powered through…well, you get the picture.
But don’t worry, women who don’t have children are shamed and judged plenty, as well.
Crossposted at Blueberry Shake.