My haircut and self shame

I love getting my hair cut in funky shapes with different lengths, weird angles, bright colours and asymmetrical fringes. My hairdresser and I like to experiment and see what artistic stuff we can do. However, I’ve always been conscious of keeping my hair length below my ears.
Yesterday, I was looking at the hair cuts of some of the very cool hairdressers at the salon and thought to myself how I’d love to try a gorgeous pixie cut or something short and stylised but that I’m too fat/ugly to carry it off. I was incredibly, shocked and disgusted at myself for thinking this. The thought seemed to come out of nowhere and isn’t something I’ve consciously though in the past. Obviously however, it’s been a part of my subconscious.
I was thinking more about this thought and trying to think where it came from or what it means. I think it comes from the idea that to have a ‘boyish’ or ‘unfeminine’ haircut, I have would have to work extra hard, (because I am not thin, or conventionally feminine) to make up for my hair, by appearing feminine in other aspects of my appearance (ie. being thin, wear dresses, wear makeup etc.). I was really sad to think that these ideas have been floating around in my head somewhere and shaping how I feel about my appearance and what I ‘should’ look like.
I think in particular I’m uncomfortable with the idea that if I go with really short hair I won’t be able to hide behind it. I will be on display for everyone to see. I thought I’d done a lot of work and reflection about appearance and rationally know that it shouldn’t matter how I appear to other people so long as I’m happy in my own appearance, but it seems that I’ve still got a fair way to go.
I did a bit of reading about hair and feminism and historically (in western society) women have had long hair and it’s been seen as a sign of health, beauty, youth, femininity and something men like (apparently a woman’s value lies with the man she attracts – to bad if you’re not interested in male attention). Taken from the blog (http://funwithfeminism.blogspot.com/2007/07/your-hair-is-everywhere.html)
“According to [Roxanne] Dunbar, it is heterosexual men’s fondness for long hair that makes us value it so highly. Women are taught that long hair makes us look sexier and more feminine, and that men will pay more attention to us if we grow our hair long. This message is constantly reinforced in the media, and in our interpersonal interactions.
The more I think about it, the more there really is to hair. Think about how America reacted to Britney Spears’s head-shaving incident, or how the stereotype of a butch lesbian involves a short, spiky haircut. When a woman goes through a major life transition, she often radically changes her hair to match her changing moods.”
I thought these points were quite relevant and really interesting to think about while I was trying to process the connection I have with my hair, my identity and gendered expectations of femininity. Interestingly, I let my body hair grow long and I doesn’t bother me at all that it’s seen as unfeminine to have body hair.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on hair, feminism and identity (male or female) and whether you’ve had any courageous hair moments!