Having an Abortion- feeling guilty about not feeling guilty…

I am 31 years old and have known since age 20 that I did not want children.  Through all the comments of "you’ll change your mind" and "you’re so young" and "you just don’t know" and aghast "how could you NOT want children?!?!?" my conviction in this choice has been unwavering.  I told my partner many years ago that I didn’t want kids and doubted I ever would, so if he thought that’s something he might want in his life, he should find someone else.  Well he doesn’t want kids either and despite all of the pushing by his mother that "I want grandkids!" and "how could you do this to ME" he has been steadfast in his choice; OUR choice. 
With each passing year and as we grow older, the nagging has let up quite a bit, as if folks have realized the "hey- they might have known what was best for them all along and they were serious about the whole no rug rats thing!"  And while I "should" have a full on case of baby fever by now according to the media, friends, family, etc. I remain remarkably fever free; relieved when I come home from a day with friends and their little ones that I can sleep in the next day, that I am not saving for college, have no diapers to change, no playdate to make or teacher conference to attend.  I enjoy being the cool/weird aunt and have a great time with those chubby cheeked little rascals, but then I go home or they go home and my partner and I look at each other and say YIKES!  We could never handle that, nor would we want to. 
What’s beautiful in all of this is that I am free to make this choice and that all of my friends and family were free to make their choices as well.  And not just about if, but when, and how.  I know things aren’t perfect, and our ability to makes these choices needs to be free from restriction, but I do still appreciate that we have any choices at all.
So now I find myself pregnant as a result of failed birth control. 

We were in the process of getting a permanent solution to this (vasectomy), when my period didn’t come.  One week late, I attributed it to job stress- wouldn’t be the first time.  One week and four days late…eek.  Three home pregnancy tests later and yes- I am definitely pregnant.  I am 100% pro-choice and support women in whatever choices they make, and always thought that my decision would be cut and dry if I ever had to make it.  As my friends started having babies (not all of them planned) I wasn’t so sure of the cut and dry part, as some of the unplanned babies were those of friends who did not want children and also thought they’d never keep it either. 
This started to make me wonder, if it were my situation would I feel differently as they had?  The answer is NO.  The second I saw two lines instead of one on those pee sticks, there was no hesitation, no second thought, no pang of maybe, nothing.  All there was was a shout for my laptop and frantic typing to find my closest abortion provider. Still don’t want kids, still no maternal instinct, still no baby fever.  So one would think that I wouldn’t be feeling shameful and irresponsible or like I screwed up somehow.  Yet I do.  I feel guilty that I didn’t have a second thought, that I have an appointment scheduled and that nothing about my attitude has changed. 
How is it, that with my convictions and beliefs I have somehow allowed our culture to act on me in this way?  I am close with my girlfriends and really needed to talk but was hesitant to tell any of them what was going on even though they know how I feel about kids and are all pro-choice as well.  The truth is I’m angry at myself and at the situation.  I hate that I’m feeling guilty and shameful for not feeling guilty and shameful.  Would I feel differently if I knew other women in my circle who have had abortions?  I’m sure I do, but have they ever told anyone?  Did they feel the same way I do right now?  Is it enough for us to simply have freedom of choice when there is still such a social stigma attached to it (to the extent that I am now stigmatizing myself…)

Will there ever be a time when we don’t need to ask these questions anymore?

Thank you for reading and thinking and being here.