Ask Professor Foxy: Will Masturbation Ruin Me For Sex With Others?

This weekly Saturday column “Ask Professor Foxy” will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Hi Professor Foxy!
This might be a dumb question, but I wanted to ask your opinion about something. I’m a female “virgin” who has been regularly (and unapologetically) masturbating since I was 12. I’m 27 now. At this point, it’s down to a science! However, I’ve also lead an entirely celibate life, partly because of numerous relocations, partly because of medical school, and partly, you know, ’cause I felt like it. I know society can give people some odd ideas about sex, specifically about how much you should have, when you should have it, and who you should have it with. I’m pretty open about my life and habits, and I try not to let media messages or others’ comments get me down.
However, recently, I was having a conversation with a male friend, and the topic turned to his exes, of which there are many. He wanted to compare notes, so I told him that actually, I don’t have any exes. He was surprised, and said, “But I thought you had toys, and you were like, really open about that stuff.” I said, “I am. I just do it by myself.” He told me that this really worried him, because he thought that by having so much sex by myself, I was ruining myself for sex with another person, “the same way porn ruins you for sex with real people” (his words).
I laughed him off at first, but that comment really disturbed me. I’ve never thought about it that way before. I’ve read in this column and elsewhere that masturbation is actually supposed to make partner sex better, but now I find myself wondering if that’s only true for people who’ve actually HAD partner sex. (I’m also wondering what it says about my friend, but that’s a different story.) I’d like to know what you and maybe your readers think. Has perfecting the art of sex with myself ruined me for any partner I might eventually get?
Thanks,
C
Dear C-
This is not a dumb question AT ALL. There is an amazing amount of sexist hypocrisy in this country and in popular media when it comes to masturbation. For men, masturbation is natural and healthy and the man’s future sex partner and the partner’s satisfaction are not considered. For women, if we – heaven forbid – actually learn to please ourselves, we are dooming ourselves to a lifetime of an inability to connect with our partners (read husband). How dare you be sexually satisfied without a man! Bad girl, bad!
Masturbation will not ruin you for future sex partners as long as you keep a few things in mind (these things are true for all genders). First, masturbation can and will make you a better, more satisfied lover as long as you can communicate your desires to your partners. Through 15 lovely years of masturbation, you now know what feels good for you. When you do have a lover, you will be able to tell your lover. Good lovers want to know how to please their partners and will gladly take instruction. Sexual communication happens through words, noises, and demonstrations. You can even masturbate in front of them. . . good times for all.
Second, masturbation feels different then sexual interactions with other people. You know your body so well, you need to give your lovers time to even begin to reach your level of knowledge. Orgasms and sexual feelings will likely feel different with other people. It is important not to rank these feelings (such as one is better than the other), but just notice that they are different. Variety is a wonderful thing.
You’ve chosen not to have partnered sex and some people may judge this, but you seem pretty damn happy with your choice. You have other priorities and still have a satisfying sex life with yourself. Good for you! Your friend’s response speaks more about him than it does about you.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.