Manhood/Attachment to Mother

There’s an idea that’s been bouncing around in my head for a while which is hard to put into clear thoughts.  I apologize in advance for the fragmented presentation and less than ideal wording of things.  But I figure better to put it out there than keep it to myself.

Anyway, there seems to be this cultural idea of men becoming men by rejecting all that is female/feminine.  There’s a concept in psychology (maybe just pop-psychology or pseudo-Freudian psychology) that both boys and girls start out feeling very attached to their mothers.  Then boys start to realize they are different and they go through a crisis, where they separate their identity from that of their mother’s.

Here’s my thought on this:  That true manhood, or really, true adulthood, actually DOES depend on separation from "mother".  But I need to quickly clarify, because I don’t mean what that typically means.

I get the impression that many men (and women too, actually) are attached to the notion of "mother" as object/ideal.  We want someone to cater to us, anticipate our needs, and care for us in a totally unselfish unconditional way.  Eventually, as a boy grows the natural desire for sex gets lumped in wth all his other needs and wants.  But if the maternal attachment remains, then this gets projected (in a warped sort of way) to all women.  Sex is something women can give him, and their humanity becomes second to his need for them.  (Kind-of like a baby or young child regards its mother.)  If he doesn’t get what he wants and feels rejection, then that intense attachment turns to anger & hate (guys who shoot up fitness clubs?).

True manhood (or perhaps, I could say true adulthood) requires a real separation/detachment from "mother".  And when I say separation, I mean it as quite different from rejection of actual mothers, or women or feminine things.  In fact, men’s rejection of the cultural feminine is really just continued attachment, expressed in a different way.

A real "separation from mother" requires a recognition of your role as a distinct human being.  Caring becomes something you DO as well as receive (at least to the extent of your ability).  This separation also means you are capable of looking at a woman as a partner or friend, not as a replacement mother or a breathing sex doll.  As a man, you may have (on average) more energy and strength than a woman, but this does not define you or your general interests and hobbies.

Thus, the more "macho" a man is, or the more he "performs" masculinity, and puts down women, the more I get the impression that he is still actually very attached and needy.  People (men and women) who feel threatened by assertive women feel that way because they so desire the giving, sacrificing mother ideal.  They don’t want ANY woman to step out of line because it will upset their vision of things.  Women, especially when they become mothers, feel tremendous pressure and judgment to be completely selfless in almost every way.

I also think this is especially true in the abortion debate.  People are not that concerned about embryos.  They just aren’t (because if they were, they’d be a lot more upset about the ones dumped by fertility clinics.  They’d also be more concerned about born babies and children).  Instead, they are absolultely frightened of a rejecting mother.  A woman who does not want her child is an abomination.  Women MUST want children and LOVE their children, because if they don’t… well… we just can’t handle that.

I have no good way to end this so I’ll just stop here.  Thanks for reading this far!