Ask Professor Foxy: Can Feminism and Romance Mix?

This weekly Saturday column “Ask Professor Foxy” will regularly contain sexually explicit material. This material is likely not safe for work viewing. The title of the column will include the major topic of the post, so please read the topic when deciding whether or not to read the entire column.
Dear Professor Foxy,
I know by now that feminist romance can be as good as and often more creative than “traditional” romance. However, I was reading about Jessica Valenti’s Big Feminist Wedding and I noticed that there was (intentionally) very little ceremony surrounding the proposal and it sounded disappointing to me because though I have a feminist relationship I am also a huge romantic. I love telling my girlfriends the story of how my boyfriend and I kissed for the first time even though I waited for him to kiss me, I knew I could kiss him if I wanted. I enjoy the sense of mystery, subtlety and flirtation that goes into a good romance and I love to be seduced. My question is, is this feminist? I pay half the bill or pay the bill half the time, I drive him places, and I never took too much interest in who was opening doors to begin with. In my opinion, romance is not “guys doing stuff for girls” but I do think that doing thought out, surprising, and tactful things for one another is part of the fine art of romance that I love so much. What does a feminist have to say about redefining romance as it seems to often be entangled with sexism and archaic traditions? I want to redefine the popular romantic acts in such a way that it’s fair to all sexes, that we may learn to give and recieve love from our partners. I also want to know how most feminists deal with the place of romance in their own relationships and how they determine what kind of role romance plays. Because romantic relationships have long been defined by strict gender rolse, I think there’s a lot of room for discussion here about how we can dismantle those roles and what valuable things (if any) we can take away from them. When is something sexist versus romantic and how can feminism enhance romance, instead of bog it down in questions of what does and does not qualify as feminist or sexist?
From,
A Romantic

Hi A Romantic –
Feminism is not a monolithic belief system and feminists are not a monolithic people. What works for Jessica does not have to work for all of us or for you. It just has to work for Jessica.
Just like in an earlier column about feminists who enjoy being submissive in bed, we need to remember that a core of feminism is choice, if you choose to date a romantic, and love being romanced, that works. On a bigger level, if being romanced makes you feel loved and cared for that is important for all of us. It is equally important that we do the same for our partners and if it makes your boyfriend feel good and involved in the relationship by being romantic there is no reason to negate that.
When it comes to “sexist and anarchistic traditions,” it is possible to reclaim many of them to make them for work for us as feminists. Again, it comes back to choice and feeling empowered in that choice. Make sure the ways in which you and your partner care for each other work for you and are agreed upon by both of you.
Being aware, feeling loved, and being a feminist all fit together and each person needs to work that out for themselves and their relationships.
Best,
Professor Foxy
If you have a question for Professor Foxy, send it to ProfessorFoxyATfeministingDOTcom.