My Shields of Armor

There is something that I have been doing ever since I have been moved into the city. I walk a lot by myself, mostly to and from the train to my apartment. It’s not that far. About five blocks at the most. It’s usually during the daytime or in the early evening, and it’s in a familiar neighborhood (I’ve lived here for over 2 years now) but I still do it. When I see that I’m about to approach a man in the street or sidewalk I pull out my phone and pretend I’m talking to someone on it. I use this as a deterrent for street harassment. I’ve found that most of the time if guys think I’m on the phone they won’t harass me, or at least if they do I’ll have an excuse for ignoring them. They won’t get more abusive or loud if I ignore them because they “understand” because I’m on the phone. I also wear my sunglasses most of the time when I’m outside, even if it’s not very sunny. This way guys can’t make eye contact with me. I’ve found that if I make eye contact with a man, even by accident, he’s more likely to try and engage in conversation with me.
None of my male friends do these kinds of things when they’re walking alone. They think it is weird that I do. They think it is strange that I am so put off and scared just by the prospect of being talked to or approached by strange men on the street.
As many of you probably know from reading previous posts of mine, I’m a rape survivor. These things that I do make me feel more comfortable when walking by myself. I consider them my armor. While I don’t feel 100% safe doing them, they make me feel safer.
I was not raped by a stranger. I was raped by someone I knew, in my parents’ home. So why am I so afraid of random men while walking outside, even in perfect daylight? I have no idea. But that is my life now. I didn’t have any of these behaviors until I moved back to Chicago, the place where my rape occurred. I walked around in DC and New Orleans without a care in the world. But I feel like since moving back here I’ve moved back into some sort of rape culture that I had escaped from.
I don’t really know what I’m hoping to accomplish with this post. It was something I just noticed today. Something I felt like I needed to write down.