Not Oprah’s Book Club: The Terror Dream and Homeward Bound

I’m still wading through both The Terror Dream by Susan Faludi and Homeward Bound by Elaine Tyler May. Check out last week’s post for a rundown of why.
One of the things that struck me the most during this week’s reading was the notion of comfort and how we seek it in very personal ways after very public events. In the case of Homeward Bound, comfort was to be found in marriages with traditional gender roles after WWII, when in fact, as May demonstrates, many people were profoundly uncomfortable in their own lives (but had told themselves a story about why it was necessary and good for it to be the way it was). She draws on the Kelly Longitudinal Study, which consisted of several surveys of 600 middle-class men and women during the post-war era. Some of the excerpts she picks out are totally heartbreaking, like when one mom/wife named Emily enumerates the things that she’s sacrificed for her comfortable family life:

1. A way of life (an easy one)
2. All friends of long duration; close relationships
3. Independence and personal freedom
4. What seemed to contribute to my personality.
5. Financial independence.
6. Goals in this life.
7. Idea as to size of family.
8. Personal achievements–type changed.
9. Close relationship with brother and mother and grandmother.

But she never considers divorce. Wow. The domestic ideology that May describes so well trumps all of Emily’s innate instincts to create a life that satisfies her on a deep level and/or represents her most authentic way of being in the world. It is shockingly antiquated and inhumane to me.
And yet, Faludi is arguing that the sacrifice of authenticity for a perceived comfort is still very much alive and well.

She looks more at what role the media plays in conditioning our notions of comfort, rather than the social psychology underlining how we influence one another. With her trademark exhaustive research, Faludi establishes the ways in which domesticity and traditional gender roles (male=hero, tough; female=sacrificing, in mourning) were resurrected post 9.11.
Some of the most interesting material, for me, has been her research on “the lonely woman New Yorker with the barren womb.” Post 9.11 there were so many stories about how lonely and newly maternal women were feeling.
I was unsettled at this section and not only because I understood what was offensive about the media’s framing. I was also unsettled because I actually remember feeling some of these things. One of my first instincts on 9.11 (I was a senior at Barnard College), was to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to have a baby. Not seriously. I had neither job nor inclination, but that was something that bubbled up in me, as ridiculous as it might sound.
So no, I didn’t want to give up my career, move to the burbs and buy a Kitchen Aid mixer (as the media was framing these feelings), but I did feel suddenly sobered about what was important, who I wanted to be near, what I wanted to include in my life (mothering being a part of that). I think it’s important that while we critique the media, we also look at what parts of these reactions are very real and precious. I don’t like the idea of women running out for a white dress after national disasters (my thoughts on weddings are a whole can of worms), but I do like the idea of them having a sober moment to reflect on how critical relationships are.
So that’s all for now. More next week. This pairing is proving really fascinating. I’d love to hear your two cents–did you have relationship-focused or material instinct feelings post 9.11? Have you ever rushed into a marriage because it felt comfortable? Where do you think real, genuine comfort lies?