Amazing. Thank you, Amber Tamblyn and David Cross.
Apologies folks – no transcript yet. If someone could put on in comments, that would be so great!
UPDATE: Amanda MThanks to Amanda M. we now have the transcript to the video. Hurrah! Check it out below the jump.
Doctor: Hello, darlin’, I’m Dr. Proctor, how are you doing today?
Patient: Ah, I’m great, Doctor. Thank you so much for seeing me, Doctor, I’m here for my checkup?
P: And that’s covered by Obama’s new healthcare law, right?
D: Oh, sweetheart, unfortunately yes it is. This whole Obamacare “law”.. we’ve tried to repeal it thirty-some times now, and we -will- get to it, I promise. This isn’t some crazy Socialist utopia where all the citizens get access to universal healthcare no matter what, this isn’t France, or Italy, or Canada, or Sweden, or Denmark, or Iceland, or Australia, or Finland.. the point is, this is America.
P: Well actually, I have insurance through my job, but whatever.
D: That’s how it should be!
P: I actually wanted to talk to you today about birth control. I wanted to get on birth control, and I want to know what my options were with that.
D: Okay, well, let’s take a look. *holds her wrist* Oh! Terrific news! Okay, well, according to this latest research I have here from 1926, women don’t have intercourse until they’re married. So, you’re good to go.
P: Uh.. I actually don’t need birth control for sex, (as if that’s any of your business).. No, I need it because of my endometriosis, and the debilitating, horrific cramps that come with it, so..
D: Okay, I understand, I know all about endroconophodesis. I’ll write you a prescription, howzat? Sound good? Okay.
P: Thank you.
D: Mm-hmm! Help you out, there we go. *gives piece of paper*
P: Thank you.
P: *reads* Uh.. this is Viagra..
P: Yeah, that’s not birth control. So..
D: No, what that will you allow you to do is find a gentleman that’ll intercourse the cramps out of you, once you’re married.
P: How does that help -me-?
D: Well, cuz it helps everybody! See, the way Viagra works is it sends blood to the male genita–
P: This is ridiculous! I mean, what if I needed some real help, what if I had to make some really difficult life decision, like terminating a pregnancy–
D: No. No.
P: What do you mean, no?!
P: No -what-?
D: Just no.
P: Can I please–
D: Not today.
P: Would you just consider–
D: No. No, no, no, no, no. Noooo–
D: –can do. No. Negativo.
P: What if–
D: Nish. Now listen, Jezebel, you want this exam or not?
P: This is horrible, you are the worst gynecologist I’ve ever been to!
D: Oh, well see, there’s the problem right there! I’m not a gynecologist! I’m a gynotician. See, there’s my diploma right there. Yeah, I got a B.A. from Todd Akin Nontechnical College in Biologicalish Studies and Rhetoric, with a minor in Online Poker. I did look under a microscope once, but I did not like what I saw.
P: A.. a gynotician? So you’ve never studied to be an OB/GYN?
P: So what makes you qualified to make decisions about my health?
D: Well, I got elected. I don’t understand what.. hey look, I know you have a long, long drive home cuz we’re the only health care center around for 200 miles – last one left, that is – so, if you want the exam, upsy-daisy. Scootch it! Okay, here we go. Let’s take a look atcha, this should only hurt for another couple of generations.
You wouldn’t let a “gynotician” make decisions about your body in an exam room…
So why would you let them make decisions about your body in legislation?
Written by concerned American citizens, Amber and David Tamblyn.