New rule for vaginaphobes: if you can’t say it, you can’t probe it!

Why is it that the same people who want to get all up into women’s vaginas shudder at the mention of the word vagina and are unable to actually say it?

I guess the answer is obvious; the same people who are sadistic enough to make a woman undergo an invasive medically unnecessary procedure whose only goal is to punish a woman for using her vagina for anything but procreation, are probably a little bit uncomfortable with sexuality. But some of these guys wear their vaginaphobia on their… sleeves.

First, Virginia delegate David Albo, who treated the House of Delegates to a musical theater reenactment of his attempt to seduce his wife, complains that just as he was about to seal the deal,

All of a sudden on my big-screen TV comes this big thing, a picture of a bill that has “Albo” on it. I’m, like, “Wow! Holy smokes! My name, as big as a wall!” And the very next scene was the gentleman from Alexandria’s face, as big as my wall, going “Trans-V blahblahblah, and this. Trans-V this, and trans-V that, and they hate women, and we’re gonna–and that bill–…. And this goes on and on and on…. And the show’s over, and she goes, “I gotta go to bed.”

Wow. I feel so bad for his wife. What woman could keep her hands off a man like Albo, with his amazing sense of humor, sense of self, sense of music and style? Nothing is sexier than a partner who shares your (potentially) intimate moments with an assembly of delegates. Why do I think that the next night she still wasn’t over it? And that the night after that she had a… headache? And  the night after that she was really, really tired?

Then, as Vanessa pointed out, The Daily Caller, in a post called “MSNBC host Rachel Maddow’s new favorite word: ‘Vaginal,'” puts time and energy and thought and artistry into a montage highlighting how many times Rachel Maddow says vagina and vaginal.

On a more self-referential note, when I tweeted a link to the hotness that is the Albo video and wrote “New rule: if you can’t say the word ‘vagina’ you can’t make laws about them,” someone tweeted back “are U saying that only the vulgar and crude should make laws?”

So, here are some new rules for Vaginaphobes far and wide:

1. It’s “vagina” and “vaginal” not “Vblahblahblah” or “v this” or even “v that.” Try saying “vagina” and “vaginal” 10 times a day and you’ll get the hang of it!

2. “Vagina” is not a vulgar or crude word. It was most likely the channel through which you, person who thinks that “vagina” is crude or vulgar, entered the world.

3. When laws regarding vaginas and transvaginal anything are being discussed, the words “vagina” and “vaginal” might, and probably should, come up.

4. If you don’t like hearing people say “vagina,” you have issues and are most likely sexually repressed. (What a pity that the people who would most benefit from reading Foucault hate him or would hate him if they knew who he was.)

5. If you don’t like hearing the word “vagina” or “vaginal,” then don’t try to pass laws mandating transvaginal procedures in which instruments are put into women’s vaginas against their will (otherwise known as rape).

6. If you don’t like saying the word “vagina” or “vaginal,” you don’t get to legislate them.

or, to be more direct,

7. If you can’t say it, you can’t probe it.

8. Like the old saying, if you can’t take the word, get out of the vagina.

9. If you want to get some from your wife, leave other women’s vaginas alone.

10. All men who want women to be forced to undergo medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasounds and look at images of a zygote before they are allowed to terminate a pregnancy must submit to urethral dilatation and cystoscopy (that means there’s a camera going up your penis, just like you want probes going up into our vaginas) and look at images of their prostates, before they are allowed to be treated for erectile dysfunction. THEN Rachel Maddow’s favorite word will be PENILE!



Born and raised on the mean streets of New York City’s Upper West Side, Katie Halper is a comic, writer, blogger, satirist and filmmaker based in New York. Katie graduated from The Dalton School (where she teaches history) and Wesleyan University (where she learned that labels are for jars.) A director of Living Liberally and co-founder/performer in Laughing Liberally, Katie has performed at Town Hall, Symphony Space, The Culture Project, D.C. Comedy Festival, all five Netroots Nations, and The Nation Magazine Cruise, where she made Howard Dean laugh! and has appeared with Lizz Winstead, Markos Moulitsas, The Yes Men, Cynthia Nixon and Jim Hightower. Her writing and videos have appeared in The New York Times, Comedy Central, The Nation Magazine, Gawker, Nerve, Jezebel, the Huffington Post, Alternet and Katie has been featured in/on NY Magazine, LA Times, In These Times, Gawker,Jezebel, MSNBC, Air America, GritTV, the Alan Colmes Show, Sirius radio (which hung up on her once) and the National Review, which called Katie “cute and some what brainy.” Katie co-produced Tim Robbins’s film Embedded, (Venice Film Festival, Sundance Channel); Estela Bravo’s Free to Fly (Havana Film Festival, LA Latino Film Festival); was outreach director for The Take, Naomi Klein/Avi Lewis documentary about Argentine workers (Toronto & Venice Film Festivals, Film Forum); co-directed New Yorkers Remember the Spanish Civil War, a video for Museum of the City of NY exhibit, and wrote/directed viral satiric videos including Jews/ Women/ Gays for McCain.

Katie is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and New Yorker.

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