Q: What’s making you happy today? A: Animals Talking in All Caps

This series is lovingly ripped off from NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast. PCHH runs a segment on every show called “What’s Making You Happy This Week?”

What’s making me happy today is the tumblr Animals Talking in All Caps. It’s just what it sounds like, but it’s also so much more.

Sometimes it’s rabbits doing yoga. Sometimes it’s bears acting out the kind of relationship I would like to have with a human. Sometimes it’s a sloth explaining the precise reason we all love “Don’t Stop Believing.”

Always it is adorable.

And then sometimes, it is straight up and unabashedly feminist, like when a duckling models how not to talk about white privilege in feminism, or when this bear drops serious knowledge about street harassment and effortless perfection:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION REGARDING MY EYELINER, BUT LET ME EXPLAIN A COUPLE THINGS TO YOU:

1. I DON’T WEAR IT FOR YOU, NOR DO I PICK OUT MY OUTFITS BASED ON WHAT I THINK MEN WILL LIKE. YOUR CONSTANT OGLING HAS NO BEARING ON MY DECISION TO FLATTER MY FIGURE OR ENHANCE MY NATURAL FEATURES WITH BEAUTY PRODUCTS. THAT IS YOUR GENDER’S CONSTANT MISGUIDED PERCEPTION.

2. YOU DON’T LIKE “WOMEN WHO DON’T WEAR MAKEUP.” YOU LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE WEARING CONCEALER AND BARE ESCENTUALS FOUNDATION CAREFULLY BLENDED INTO THEIR NECKLINE, CHEEKS TINTED LIGHTLY WITH SOFT ROSY CREAM BLUSH, EYESHADOW ONE SHADE DARKER THAN THEIR FOUNDATION, EYELASHES DOTTED WITH GREY PENCIL AND LIPS THAT HAVE BEEN ENHANCED WITH A LIGHT BERRY GLOSS.

THAT’S PROBABLY $200 WORTH OF CREAMS AND POWDERS AND TAKES MORE TIME TO APPLY THAN YOUR ENTIRE ‘SHIT, SHOWER AND SHAVE’ ROUTINE, ALL SO ASSHOLES LIKE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ‘NATURAL BEAUTY’ WHILE WE’RE WAITING FOR A DAMNED BUS.

3. EVEN IF I HONESTLY CARED ABOUT YOUR AMATEUR MAKEUP CRITIQUES I WOULDN’T IN A MILLION YEARS GO OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IGNORANT, BALDING FASHION CASUALTY WITH NOODLE ARMS AND A BEER GUT WHO CAN’T KEEP HIS EYES OR OPINIONS TO HIMSELF.

IF YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME I’M GOING TO SHOVE YOUR SANDALS UP YOUR ASS AND YOU CAN WADDLE HOME IN YOUR SOCKS.

As one of my friends says, every time you look at this tumblr, you will probably lose thirty minutes of productivity – but if you’re anything like me, you’ll gain its worth in giddy happiness.

Previously making me happy:
Clem Snide’s “Find Love”
Australian Marriage Equality’s new PSA
Women popstars with giant, real voices
Haka flashmobs

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5 Comments

  1. Posted November 16, 2011 at 11:23 am | Permalink

    Animals Talking in All Caps is quite possibly one of my favorite sites on the interwebs. It is hilarious, clever, and quite astute. Oh, and if I am not mistaken, it is written by a man :)

  2. Posted November 16, 2011 at 11:32 am | Permalink

    I love you bear!

  3. Posted November 16, 2011 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    Awesome! I can’t believe how hard I laughed when I read the word waddle. I got stared at. Worth it.

  4. Posted November 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm | Permalink

    I recognize that this isn’t the point of the post, but as a dude, I actually kind of take offense to the bear’s notion that any guy who claims to prefer women who don’t wear makeup really only likes the women who spend $200 on makeup designed to be inconspicuous.

    No. I actually prefer women who wear *no makeup*. I’m not an idiot. I’m not being tricked. I’ve dated women who do not wear makeup—who did not have that kind of money to spend on the makeup the bear describes.

    Preferring women who do not wear makeup is a legitimate preference, and that post makes me feel like expressing that preference will be met with suspicion, derision, and condescension.

    • Posted November 16, 2011 at 3:11 pm | Permalink

      It’s really kind of funny to see you offended by what “the bear” describes, as if the bear was really the one saying all this.

      No, but seriously. No one’s saying preference of women who don’t wear make-up isn’t valid. It’s simply pointing out that most men (not you, OTHER MEN) are often oblivious to the amount of effort many women feel is necessary to look pretty, even if they want to appear “natural” or “undone,” because they themselves (men, that is) aren’t subjected to the same. Further, there are some men who go out of their way to deride and make shaming comments about women who do wear make-up that is more obvious and less “natural.” I’ve had men say things to me like, “Well, you’re naturally pretty, you obviously don’t need any make-up” when I’m actually wearing a FULL FACE of make-up. Even if I wasn’t, it’s not all right to start ragging on other women’s cosmetic choices as if your preference is some kind of hard and fast rule.

      No one will regard you with “suspicion, derision, and condescension” if you prefer women who wear no make-up at all. They will do so, however, if you loudly proclaim that women who do wear make-up look “trashy” or “fake” or like they’re “trying too hard.” Dig?

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