I need you, I want you, oh baby, oh baby

I’d rather die a caricature of an old feminist spinster, alone with my with eighteen cats and my giant Ani DiFranco collection, than date this man:

If you can accept that I’m responsible for taking charge and my decisions will be final, don’t take yourself too seriously and thinks the world of me. You must be under 31 (that’s the expiration date for most women anyway), and have good spending habits, no ridiculous credit card debts and a sense of home economy; I’m not planning on changing my excellent lifestyle, and I plant to eventually be able to give my children an excellent education – and that’s not possible without good savings and planning. This will also help teaching them to earn their own achievements, respect their parents, and not be spoiled brats. You should also understand that pets are simple money pits that only serve as something lonely women occupy themselves with so that they don’t have to connect with their husbands. I’m attracted to all kinds of women, redheads, brunettes, black, white, latinas, you name it, as long as they’re attractive. Not attracted to fat women, and that includes the infamous “curvy” (a word that used to mean actual curves, not fat), and “a few extra pounds,” regardless of your supposed “inner beauty.” Sorry :)

You can read the whole thing (oh yes, there’s more) at Annals of Online Dating, a blog about the vicissitudes of finding a partner – or in this case, of finding a sexist asshole you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole – online.

Bonus round: name the teen movie in which the title of this blog post is spoken… by a caricature of a feminist spinster!

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  1. Posted April 8, 2011 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    One of my favorite quotes from 10 Things I Hate About You.

  2. Posted April 8, 2011 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    10 Things I Hate About You!

    Knew it the second I read the title and was a teeny bit let down when it wasn’t a post about the movie.

  3. Posted April 8, 2011 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    10 Things I Hate About You!

  4. Posted April 8, 2011 at 12:41 pm | Permalink

    “I plant to eventually be able to give my children an excellent education – and that’s not possible without good savings and planning.”

    Congratulations. Your argument is invalid.

  5. Posted April 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    I’ve never seen “10 Things I Hate About You”. And though I’m not interested in seeing it, I predict that that is more likely to happen than this guy ever finding a satisfying, emotionally meaningful relationship.

    Also pets rock! My husband thinks they rock! We both had pets before we got together and now they have both of us to give them love!

  6. Posted April 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm | Permalink

    10 Things, which fortunately (or unfortunately if you like it like that) didn’t include a scene with Heath Ledger spanking Julia Stiles like in my other favorite Taming of the Shrew adaptation, Kiss Me, Kate.

  7. Posted April 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

    10 Things I Hate About You, of course!

    Agreed with Molly F – a little let down that it wasn’t about the movie because Julia Stiles’s character was awesome and, imho – her greatest role to date.

  8. Posted April 9, 2011 at 8:13 pm | Permalink

    Does the jerk go back to searching when the theoretical woman hits her “expiration date”? I guess he also doesn’t understand that pets are often a part of teaching kids to be responsible and “not spoiled brats.”

    I really, really, REALLY hope that this man remains a lonely bachelor until the end of his days. Or until he does a 180 with his “excellent lifestyle,” which seems far less likely.

  9. Posted April 10, 2011 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

    Not to be nitpicky (OK, so I’m nitpicky, but seriously I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen 10TIHAY), but it’s, “I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby”. Nevertheless, so many millions of brownie points for the reference!

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