What’s your personal feminist nightmare? The Handmaid’s Tale? A meeting of the Texas GOP, circa 2013?

According to Politico’s Friday cover (which we won’t link to and satisfy their troll-baiting thirst), the true “feminist nightmare” is Michelle Obama. Yes. That Michelle Obama. Rather than focus on actual feminist critiques of the First Lady, Politico tore down her work for failing to look like either Big Macho Male Politics or the magazine’s blurry vision of grassroots feminist organizing. (It also attributed a quote to the Feministing staff that we didn’t write. But whatever.)

The article boils down to four Politico criteria for being a real feminist. Here they are: