Static

Crossposted from stnfrdstatic.com

by Zahra Axinn, ’12

Albert Einstein said that “insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results”.

In this phrase, Einstein—perhaps inadvertently—describes to me the process of coming out. People ask me the question, “When did you come out?”. It is a common misconception that “coming out” is somehow a contained moment, yet this trying exercise in “coming out” has been going on for well over six years for me.

The whole concept continues to baffle me. How are you supposed to answer such a question with an answer—one that encompasses your emotions, your body, the deepest corners of your heart—in words, in a label. How can something so personal be distilled? I am boundlessly fortunate to have around me people who cherish me for who I am and have made it possible me to thrive, and yet this process has still been difficult.

Over these years, I’ve asked myself questions of what it means to be “out”, what to “come out” as, whether I was “out” enough, whether I was too “out”. The concept of being “out” comes wrapped in the idea of “passing” too. How many times have I let people make little assumptions about me, about my identity? How many times have I allowed myself to make decisions based on some idea of who I thought people saw me as? How many times have I been afraid to be who I am?

I don’t know exactly ...