mariella

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By mariella • 15 years ago

The First Time in a Relationship

I just started seeing a new guy and have already decided that I don’t want to have sex with him right away (I’m far from a virgin though, so this isn’t about virginity at all.)

The problem is, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, and the answers I get are always arbitrary ("wait one month"), not so feminist (wait til you’re married or you’re a whore), or vague… "it’ll feel right to you."

It actually never feels like "the right time" to me. I’m a survivor and I’ve had other bad experiences with men. I still enjoy sex and want to continue having it, but I just need help figuring out what "the right time for me" is because I don’t have much experience with healthy relationships. I think there are conversations that I should have with him to help me decide when the right time is, but I don’t really know what those conversations are.

So does anyone have suggestions of questions and conversations two people should have before first having sex with each other (aside from STDs, birth control, and what we’d do if I got pregnant)?

I heard somewhere that a couple should talk about what each of their expectations for the relationship after the first time are. That’s the kind of thing I’m looking for.

Sorry for being kind of vague and scattered, I’d appreciate any advice anyone has for me!

By mariella • 15 years ago

All Frat Boys are Rapists/All Rapists are Frat Boys

I’ve been thinking lately about the stereotype/cliché that frat boys are date rapists, and it’s been bothering me.

I’m not concerned for the frat boys’ sake. I’ve heard awful things about many of the frats on my campus, so if the reputation keeps girls away (or at least keeps them conscious of the dangers at frat parties) that’s definitely a good thing. And denouncement of date rape is always a good thing.

I’ve been feeling, though, that the frat boy cliché is just an easy way out of the issue. If the campus date rape problem is limited to frat houses, then it’s quite a simple problem: girls just shouldn’t go to frat parties or date frat boys. I don’t worry about ...

I’ve been thinking lately about the stereotype/cliché that frat boys are date rapists, and it’s been bothering me.

I’m not concerned for the frat boys’ sake. I’ve heard awful things about many of the frats on my campus, ...

By mariella • 16 years ago

Good, Evil, and Sexual Assault

I think we need to stop demonizing rapists.

I feel a little strange saying this, especially when violence against women is an under-addressed issue, and most rapists go free because no one will believe that they could have committed sexual assault. Women are typically blamed while men escape any consequences for their actions.

But I think a big part of that problem is that we demonize rapists too much.

Everyone pictures rapists as psychopaths, hiding in the bushes with knives. As feminists we’ve worked really hard to dispel that myth, explaining over and over that most rapists assault someone they know – friends, acquaintances, dates, and partners.

A big part of the reason that people aren’t catching on to what that really means is ...

I think we need to stop demonizing rapists.

I feel a little strange saying this, especially when violence against women is an under-addressed issue, and most rapists go free because no one will believe that they could have ...

By mariella • 16 years ago

BREAKING NEWS: Woman Wears Dress

After her husband became the first black president of the US on Nov. 4, Michelle Obama made "the power statement of her political career" earlier this week when she… wore a red dress to the White House. What’s more, that statement was apparently that she is "powerful but not threatening."

Yeah, they went there.

It’s probably true that at this time, in this campaign, Barack Obama winning the presidency was the most important goal. And the article does pay lip service to the fact that double standards that make it necessary to "soften" smart (and black, but they don’t say that ) women are unfair.

But if that’s so, then why does this article claim that making "The Dress her uniform" is ...

By mariella • 16 years ago

To be or not to be feminist?

I’m a feminist because I see sexism everywhere around me, but sometimes I still wish I could just stop being a feminist.

There are a lot of people I used to be friends with that I rarely see anymore, either because I don’t feel comfortable around their sexist attitudes or because they don’t feel comfortable around my feminist attitudes. It’s not that I can’t talk about anything but overthrowing the patriarchy. It’s just that once they associate me with the f-word they don’t know how to relate to me anymore.

I’m starting to feel the strains on other friendships with men who just don’t take feminism seriously. It’s the classic “I’m entitled to my ignorance” privilege. Sure, you’re feminist and that’s fine, ...

I’m a feminist because I see sexism everywhere around me, but sometimes I still wish I could just stop being a feminist.

There are a lot of people I used to be friends with that I rarely see ...

By mariella • 16 years ago

Aren’t I a real woman?

I realize that entering the healthy body image discussion with complaints about how tough it is to be thin is probably about on par with responding to women’s rights issues with “but men are discriminated against too!”

But bear with me.

My entire family is thin. My sisters are naturally about a size 2, and they’re both beautiful and healthy. I’m very thin – actually I’m underweight myself. Due to health problems (not a bad body image or an eating disorder) I’ve been unable to maintain a healthy weight for about a year now.

I don’t like being underweight. When random people say “you’re so skinny!” to me, I honestly don’t know how to react. I assume they’re not insulting me, but it ...

But ...