Fucking with Feministing: Non-Monogamy

We’re back with another installment of Fucking with Feministing! This is Feministing’s monthly sex advice column where we answer questions from you. I’m Sesali and I’ll be your resident sexpert with the help of our friends at the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) who have partnered with us to make sure that we have smart and safe with our sexy. We’re looking forward to helping you stay informed (and hopefully have great sex, because my feminism wouldn’t be complete without it). Send your questions to sesali@feministing.com – each month we’ll pick a question to talk about here. Questions will remain anonymous. We’re so glad that you’re Fucking with Feministing!

Q: I’m a queer girl in a long distance relationship with my parter who is a hetero dude. So far, he’s been totally up for lots of the kinky stuff I like (light BDSM, pegging, etc) and has really enjoyed it all. Now they’ve all become part of what makes for a great sex life. However, as a queer woman, I do miss having sex with women. We’ve discussed group sex before, and he responds by saying he thinks he’d feel jealous and wouldn’t enjoy it. When we discuss past experiences, he definitely seems to shut down when I talk about particularly impulsive stories (like, sleeping with a person I’d just met or an orgy that sort of just happened at a party). I know there’s more than one issue at the heart of this, but how can I bring up the idea of an open relationship in a way that is compassionate but expresses how I feel? If the response is a “no,” does this bode poorly for the future?

Monogamy is a concept that has been shoved down our throats (in the unsexiest sense of the phrase) as the only relationship model that works. I would even go so far as to argue that this is a reflection of heteronormative ideals that prioritize ownership over mutual love and respect. At the same time, there are plenty of reasons and ways non-monogamy can be done wrong, resulting in equally imbalanced and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Before addressing your specific question, let’s talk a little bit about what non-monogamy is and what it can look like. Non-monogamy is another way of describing open relationships. It’s kind of an umbrella term for a bunch of different relationship models, including polygamy (having more than one female partner; and unsurprisingly the most visible and sensationalized form of non-monogamy in US popular culture), polyandry (having more than one male partner), or most popular: polyamory (having more than one committed relationship). Of course, this last one has the advantage of being less gendered.

Even though not all non-monogamy models are hierarchical, Carol Queen says that in polyamory it is common for one partner to be primary and others secondary. Regardless, they all involve some level of ongoing and open commitment. Open relationships offer partners the option to engage more casually.  For example, you might have a partner who is comfortable with you casually sleeping with another woman outside of your relationship, or they may be more comfortable with the idea of introducing a woman as a third member of your relationship that you both sleep with. In this current era, where one of the great debates of our time is side chicks vs. main chicks, it’s important to understand that not all non-monogamous relationships look like what we see on SisterWives (a show about a Mormon fundamentalist, polygamist family ) or Hustle & Flow (the Academy Award winning film about an aspiring rapper/pimp and his working girls/mother of his children): there are multiple ways and multiple reasons to practice non-monogamy and each couple (or group) establishes their structures and guidelines according to their individual needs and boundaries.

Now to get to the issue, which is discussing non-monogamy with your partner. It’s true that many of us need some space to do critical thinking about monogamy, what it means to us, why we feel so connected to it, etc. For some people, exposure to the different scenarios and models could prove useful in opening us up to new possibilities in our relationships. But based on your questions, it sounds like you’ve tried a bunch of different tactics and gotten the same results. To put it bluntly: You can’t force your partner to be ok with anything they aren’t comfortable with, and this includes you seeing other people.

Marlene Hoeber wants us all to remember that it’s never ok to treat your partner’s boundaries and limits as challenges to be subverted. That’s not really the enthusiastic consent model we are going for. If this is the case, I think it’s time to back off and consider what’s most important to you: being with multiple people, or being with your partner. Both of these needs are totally legitimate, and if the former is more important then I don’t see things boding well for you and bae. One of the most important things about open relationships is that you both/all want them to be open, and some people just don’t seem to be wired that way. It’s also important to understand, though, that feeling jealous is not a deal-breaker. In fact, polyamorists’ contribution to that age-old problem is the idea of compersion, feeling pleasure about your partner’s pleasure.

It might be time to explore other options for yourself. The Ethical Slut comes highly recommended and is often one of the first mentions for people exploring polyamory. I found it to be a bit oversimplified, but I still think that some of the main points are useful for poly newbies. Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships might be a better guide. Therapist Katherine Labriola (is that the coolest last name or what?) also wrote a Jealousy Workbook that Carol recommends.

Remember that whether you’re in a relationship with one person or, and maybe especially, if you’re in a relationship with more than one person, being honest and open as possible about your needs is always the best option. Setting clear boundaries and respecting them is key.

Thanks for checking out this month’s Fucking with Feministing! Again, send all of your sexy, salacious questions to sesali@feministing.com and maybe your question will be featured next month!