Lifelong sexual education: A call for desirable discourse on sex

By Dana Huber and Whitney Sogol

Grindr, Hinge, Tinder, Jswipe: technology has created a mediated erotic commons where sex in the city is, literally, a right-swipe away. But what happens when the clothes come off? Is skittish fondling and an occasional explosive success the most one can hope for in short- and long-term sexual relationships?

Comprehensive sex education is not only essential for young people—it’s necessary for adults, too. And quality sexual education is hard to come by. As sex-positive reproductive health advocates and public health professionals, we find this state of affairs problematic.

Hope remains. In March, Planned Parenthood of New York City’s Activist Council Sex Ed Group partnered with Babeland to host its annual Let’s Talk About Sex (#Letstalksex) event, an open-forum discussion on consent, communication, and pleasure. The event featured Kate McCombs, an independent sex educator, and Lena Solow, a Babeland representative. McCombs led the group through creative take-home exercises to identify personal desires and talk about those with others. Solow offered advice on how to incorporate toys and communication into one’s sexual repertoire.

The conversation was refreshing and informative—both an indicator of success and a source of concern. #LetsTalkSex made it clear just how rare these types of conversations are.

For many twenty- and thirty-somethings, our most recent (or only) sex education took place in high school. Our sex ed classes—if they existed—tended to focus on the mechanics of heterosexual vaginal intercourse, the value of virginity, and the “horror” of sexually transmitted infections and disease. We were not given information on consent, self-exploration, or communicating desire. This  limited and often shaming sex ed experience as our guide to sex and relationships is wholly inadequate to address most individuals’ experiences throughout their lives.

Sexuality and sexual desire evolve over time. We need lifelong educational opportunities to help us understand how to identify our likes and dislikes, as well as training on how to communicate our desires to ourselves and to others at our own discretion. We need more and better sex ed.

The Let’s Talk About Sex event offered a model of the type of conversations we’d like to see happening across the city, the U.S., and beyond. Responding to the question, “Why talk about sex?” event participants discussed why communication is important to sexual health. Answers included, “humans vary,” “pleasure is healthy” and “talking can remove stigma and shame.” Kate McCombs encouraged participants to ask their partners, “What delights you?” as a way to begin exploring new sexual activities. Solow described the concept of the yes/no/maybe list, a tool two or more sexual partners can compare to identify shared desires and spaces where desires may not overlap.

Conversations like these can provide concrete tools to define and redefine what healthy, pleasurable sex and relationships mean over time.

We call on readers and entrepreneurs to find ways to make these conversations and trainings an accessible and accepted part of adult social life. For app developers in particular, we challenge you to find creative ways to inform and empower your consumers to have better, healthier sex.

Imagine if a right-swipe opened a text box with information on the swipee’s preferences for communicating about sex, or linked to a yes/no/maybe list to archive for later use? What if dating-app developers partnered with sexual health companies to put on pop-up “communicate your kink” workshops led by sexperts? What if sex ed were as easy to access and as fun to explore as the sexual opportunities around and within us?

We think it can be, and we want to help make it happen. Let’s talk about sex.

Dana Huber (@DanaHuber) and Whitney Sogol (@whitsogs) are members of Planned Parenthood of NYC Action Fund’s Activist Council (www.ppnycaction.org/activistcouncil). Stay up to speed on Activist Council activities by following us at @PPNYCAction! 

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