Fucking with Feministing: BDSM Subbing (And Feminism)

Welcome back to Fucking with Feministing! This is Feministing’s new monthly sex advice column where we answer questions from you. I’m Sesali and I’ll be your resident sexpert with the help of our friends at the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) who have partnered with us to make sure that we have smart and safe with our sexy. We’re looking forward to helping you stay informed (and hopefully have great sex, because my feminism wouldn’t be complete without it). Send your questions to sesali@feministing.com – each month we’ll pick a question to talk about here. Questions will remain anonymous. We’re so glad that you’re Fucking with Feministing!

Q: Assuming you’re familiar with the Dominant/submissive dynamic of the BDSM culture, how do you feel about a feminist being sexually submissive?

In exploring the world of kink, I find that I lean toward the submissive role in the bedroom. But sometimes those sexual feelings contradict my socio-political feelings, and I’m just trying to consolidate it all in my head. It’s weird to feel so strongly about gender equality while I also really love being tied up and told what to do and sometimes even called degrading names, but only within the context of the bedroom and with total consent and communication and everything.

Can you help me figure this out?

With the film adaptation of the controversial and extremely problematic “50 Shades of Grey” set to hit theaters next month, the time is ripe to dig into the topic of kink and its feminist implications. Like feminism, sexuality, identity politics, or, in my case, my hair working out, kink is just a part of life. But at least the Feministing team is here to help you do it in the bedroom. Kink, or consensual power play, can really transform how you understand and practice sex. It’s a healthy way to explore sensation limits, build stronger bonds with a partner, reach your erotic potential, and explore your desires in a new way. For some people – though certainly not all people, perhaps not even most people – kink can be a practice of dealing with and healing from trauma.

Let the record state that some of my kinkiest submissive friends have been complex, trill, and inspiring feminists. Something that stood out to both Carol Queen and I in this reader’s question is that they explicitly state that they “love” their submissive role. Feminists support people playing safe and consensually at all costs, and any feminism that doesn’t isn’t one that I support. Feminism has facilitated a space for many people to feel comfortable enough to explore alternative fantasies – and realities. A movement committed to critically dissecting gender and sexuality leaves room for people to define pleasure on their own terms. This includes having your ass spanked until your partner’s handprint is a new tattoo if you so choose. For those of you wanting to explore BDSM and other forms of kink, don’t count on feminism representing a barrier.

If you need a primer on exactly what BDSM is or some of the terms used in this post, Carol was gracious enough to explain:

• BDSM = The BD is for Bondage & Discipline: This often means spanking or other impact play. DS is Dominance & Submission. And Sadism & Masochism is the SM: This involves being turned on by pain, or as many people in the scene prefer to term it: intense sensation. The reasoning behind this term is that, since this is your kink, it doesn’t necessarily “hurt.” Cynthia Slater, co-founder of Society of Janus (San Francisco’s oldest mixed BDSM organization) brilliantly describes BDSM as “consensual eroticized exchange of power.” People who play this way assume their roles and activities in negotiated timeframes, generally called “scenes.” And while most people don’t do it ALL the time, some do.
• Submission (a.k.a “bottoming”, which is contrasted with “topping”) is often read from the outside as someone losing their power. But in the context of expressing one’s own desires, negotiation, consent, and where – through the use of a safe word – a scene can be ended at any time, this isn’t a correct understanding. Submission allows for a deep experience of receiving attention and sensation. Some people understand submission as a “temporary vacation from being in charge,” in which case it becomes an erotic way to achieve balance in their life.

It is important, however, to understand the difference between healthy submission and abuse; especially with the emergence and popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” which (spoiler alert) completely misrepresents what BDSM is and romanticizes an abusive relationship. The first, and perhaps the most obvious indicator of healthy submission is the presence of full consent and willingness from all parties. Something else that distinguishes healthy submission is the inclusion and consideration of your (the submissive’s) desires in addition to your partners. This includes your ability to think through and express your desires in addition to the space to negotiate in good faith (without manipulation or coercion) with your partner. Healthy submission means your safe word and limits are always respected, and the ability to abandon role and restore agency when the scene is over remains intact. As opposed to abusive relationships, submissives feel respect for and respected by their partner(s), no matter what role they play. Pro-tip: In case you haven’t picked up on it, these same principles apply to vanilla (non-kinky) sex, too!

Given this understanding of healthy submission, feminism doesn’t actually stand in contradiction. Being able to negotiate the terms under which you do anything, but especially experience pain, humiliation, restraint, etc. is a feminist practice that can’t be understated. Feminism is about being able to assert real agency over your body and explore your desires under safe and honest circumstances. People who challenge the right to experiment with power during sex are most likely coming from a place of genuine concern but unable to differentiate between consensual and non-consensual activities. At worst, they don’t have a kinky bone in their body and are making the grave mistake of not minding their own fucking business. Is it valid to think that our sexual fantasies are shaped by our lived experiences with oppression and trauma? Sure. But the more important question is whether or not suppressing those desires is more helpful than channeling them in healthy directions. Which of these options is most useful in challenging and creating better experiences in a misogynist culture? I’ll take kink for $800, Alex.

While we are all engaged to some extent in the movement to eradicate gendered oppression, the truth is that few us are having sexual fantasies that involve public sex at equality marches, masturbating to progressive thinkpieces, or romantic scenes with feminist affirmations playing softly in the background. Some of us are, but sexuality isn’t so cut and dry. I said all of that to say that you don’t have to overanalyze your desires in order to justify what turns you on. Subbing doesn’t mean you’ve abandoned your politics, it just means you have different ways of translating them into your own life.

Thanks for checking out this month’s Fucking with Feministing! Again, send all of your sexy, salacious questions to sesali@feministing.com and maybe your question will be featured next month!