Feminist New Year’s resolutions for 2015

When I sit down and make my New Year’s resolutions (usually on January 2nd or 3rd, because let’s face it, that’s how life works), it’s impossible to tune out that sneering voice, “Well you’re going to fail anyway, might as well call it as it is.” To prepare for 2015, I tallied the various failed attempts of years past, learning how to cook more than five meals (2013), exercising at least once a week (2011), or the fabulously futile effort of never procrastinating (1991 – present). This time, I thought that by specifying this year’s goals as feminist-focused it would somehow be easier. Guess what? It’s still hard as hell.

My first draft of my feminist resolution was something akin to “for every animal video that I watch, I will read one text/poem/essay/book that challenges my world view.” A little silly, pretty simple. But when I thought back on the moments of 2014 that propelled my understanding of my feminism, they came back to the same core: that I’m more afraid to speak my mind than I would like. I too frequently choke on my own opinions and arguments, especially when they concern feminism.

As a young feminist who learns most of her news on the Internet, I’ve completely internalized this debilitating fear of being wrong in public, particularly on social media. I’d rather ask questions than answer them. I’d rather listen to others’ public opinions and then accumulate my own in private. I’m afraid of being attacked for my thoughts before I’ve finished making them. I’m afraid of unleashing trolls. I’m afraid of really fucking up and embarrassing this wonderful Feministing crew. Most of all, I’m afraid of sounding like a robotic parrot, repeating others’ analysis because it’s easier than contending with my own.

The essence of this fear is rooted in some deep gender shit — “Women shouldn’t be loud, shouldn’t disagree with others, should always be consistent or else they are lying. If women change their mind, they can’t be trusted. Women always have to be good.” This specter of polished perfection silences countless voices, and allows the resulting void to be filled with harmful shouts.

So for 2015, I’m going to embark on some Active Feminist Learning, Or Making Mistakes and Dealing With Them. I’m going to categorize dissonance more appropriately. I’ll learn the difference between when I’ve made a mistake and need to apologize/change or when I just think differently and disagree. In 2015, I’m going to relish in complexities and confusion. I’ll speak up even in doubt, I’ll listen even when I’m pretty sure I know where I’m going this time. When people try to use the mythical “perfect feminist” in arguments, I’ll take a breath, give thanks for Roxane Gay, and keep speaking up. 2015 is going to be messy, but at least I’ll have some oxygen to learn.

Speaking of learning, I have to wish the Feministing fam and community the most wonderful New Year! You all have taught me so much and I can’t wait to continue learning from your badass-ness. Here’s some feminist resolutions from the crew. Please share with us your own or join in the #feministnewyearresolutions hashtag!

H: more pullups, less judging.

Juliana: I will try to use the word “folks” more often so I sound like one of the cool feminists.

Lori: I wanna keep kicking ass, support others in my life to kick ass, and being involved in projects and initiatives that I’m proud of. Oh, and finally get that feminist poker night off the ground.

Shannon: Daily feminist affirmations in 2015! Most important of all, look in the mirror every morning and say out loud, “I love myself” — whether it feels true on that day or not.

Alexandra: I want to figure out how to harness the concern around campus gender-based violence to create better legal support systems for survivors everywhere.

Alex: To better translate the things I learn in the classroom into everyday conversation.

Dana: Figure out how to better support loved ones across long distances. Build physically proximate community. Be rigorously present for the people in my life, and for myself. (Also show up on time to things, eat my broccoli, and call my mom more.)

Maya: Spend more time thinking/writing about the world I want instead of about what’s wrong with the one we currently have.