She Comes First … But Talks Last

            I recently visited two heterosexual, married, and male college friends for the first time in several years. After spotting and promptly mocking the copy of She Comes First by Ian Kerner openly displayed in a friend’s house, both friends immediately began swearing by it. With blurbs by the New York Times on the cover and almost a quarter-million copies sold, it was important to see what the hubbub was all about. I tried to read this how-to manual for clueless men to please their frustrated female partners with an open mind. However, this book only contributes to the benevolent sexism that comes with the rise in popularity of male-on-female oral sex.

            Kerner begins with the token acknowledgement that “when it comes to pleasure, there is no right or wrong way to have an orgasm,” his book quickly reduces all women to a single biological and psychological tabula rosa ready for the male partner to rewrite. Over half of the book is devoted to incredibly specific instructions including “get a rhythm going: long, slow lick/flat, still tongue; long, slow lick/flat still tongue. Each complete set should last about ten seconds, with five seconds on the lick and five on the flat embrace of tongue against vulva” and chapters like “Routines: A Cheat Sheet” with minute by minute and step-by-step instructions.

            What’s disturbing is that for a book that is centered around pleasing a woman, very little of it is devoted to asking for her input. Orgasm is assumed if you follow the prescribed simple steps. Oral sex should last “as long as it takes to bring her to orgasm” (emphasis his); what if a woman is unable to orgasm with a partner? Does that mean the guy should go down on her forever or not at all? On using manual stimulation: “your finger should go in quite easily (assuming she’s amply aroused and lubricated);” what if she doesn’t lubricate while aroused? Some caveats are sprinkled throughout the book, but the overwhelming tone is that all women are biologically the same and will react identically.

I eventually grew frustrated (and ill) from reading She Comes First, so I began to play Nintendo. The parallels between smashing the correct buttons in the right order and the book’s writing style were jarringly evident. It took two hours to convince my friends that maybe asking for input from their respective wives (and first and only partners) was just as important as the act itself. Implicit in the book’s overall assumption is that all women enjoy getting head, and those that don’t just haven’t gotten it right yet. “Give her time to feel her way through the process, and don’t fret if she doesn’t come the first time. She’ll get there as long as you’re providing the stimulation she needs.”

            To be clear, this piece is not meant to be a critique on going down on women. What it is is another disconcerting (and popular given the 4.4/5 user rating on Amazon) example of “man knows best” when it comes to a very important and personal aspect of a woman’s life. A well-intentioned partner could follow every step of this book and think he’s a caring lover and sexual god without ever discovering the individuality of the person he’s supposedly pleasuring.