Pedagogy of the Undressed: A how-to guide for feminist fisting

Welcome to the very first post in Feministing’s new sex advice/education column! I’m Elliott, a poly queer kinky trans POC community organizer and radical sex educator. I’ve been educating folks on how to safely and consensually let their freak flags fly for 10 years. I’ve been a peer educator through Planned Parenthood’s  “Reach One Teach One” program, worked at the Sexual Offense Prevention Policy Offices of Antioch College, was a founding member of the Sex E Collective at the New School, and peddled sex toys at the feminist and queer-owned stores Smitten Kitten and Babeland.

I believe that having hot, safe(r), and consensual sex is a vital tool in reclaiming our bodies and giving patriarchy and misogyny a big old kick in the pants, as well as a potential tool for self-care and healing. I always approach this work from a body-positive, sex-positive, queer-positive, trans-positive, anti-oppressive lens, so I won’t be yucking folks yums. My framework is one that supports for all survivors of sexual assault and abuse, as well as one that stands in solidarity with folks who participate in sex work. I strongly oppose slut-shaming and victim-blaming, and want this to be a space where everyone feels comfortable bringing any and all questions.

And I am thrilled to open this column up with one of my personal favorite activities: fisting! Of course, we had to do the first post on fisting. I mean, where else can you start when you’re working with Feministing? (Given the number of tweets and comments the folks here have gotten about the name, it appears many of you have as dirty a mind as I do.) And since some folks seem a little apprehensive about the whole feminist fisting thing, we thought we would help by demystify it a bit. For many of us, fisting can seem just as intimidating as it is intriguing and desirable. I am going to break down how to fist a feminist cutie so that all parties involved can have a very, ahem, fulfilling and enjoyable time.

Let’s jump right in to Femin-FISTING: A How-To Guide for Feminist Fisting!

Talk about it

So you want to fist/get fisted by a feminist! Fantastic. First things first, have a conversation with the cutie(s) you want to fist/get fisted by. Communicate what your desires are, what you are intimidated by, and what you want to get out of the experience. Fisting isn’t something you just rush on into; it’s a process, and the first step is a conversation.

Safe words 

If you want, come up with a safe word so that if things are moving too fast or something hurts, the other person knows to stop so you all can take a break and figure out what needs to be negotiated. I love safe words like, BANANA! DEER! Or SWIZEL STICK! Your safe word should be something you would not normally yell out in the throes of passion. Another example of a safe word system is the RED YELLOW GREEN system. RED means stop right now, YELLOW means move forward with caution/slow your roll, and GREEN means all parties are good to go! Make sure all folks involved in the fisting fun know the safe words and have agreed to adhering to them before you get to the bedroom/living room/kitchen/wherever.

Lubrication

Lubrication is going to be your best friend throughout this process. Whether you’re fisting in the back door or the front door, you want to make sure to have lots and lots of lubrication on hand. I recommend a thicker water-based lubricant or a nice silicone-based one. You can check out selections at feminist sex toy stores like the Smitten Kitten or Babeland. Make sure to put lube on and in the hole that is getting fisted, as well as on the hand that will be doing the fisting. And remember, there is no such thing as too wet!

Gloves 

Get some sexy latex or Nitrile gloves. You can get them at most drug stores, or if you want to spend a little more and get some tighter fitting gloves, you can check out your local sex toy store. Gloves are great because they are smoother than skin, and can prevent tearing or cutting from finger nails (ouch!) Even if you are monogamous, I recommend gloves for a smoother ride.

Duck bill

Alright, so you had a conversation, a lot of sexy foreplay, and you’re wearing your sexy gloves and are lubed up. What you want to do is start slowly, using two fingers first, then three, then four. Keep communicating throughout and make sure all parties are feeling relaxed and into it. Try using a vibrator on the clit/dick/balls/nipples too for some extra sensation. If something hurts or doesn’t feel good, make sure to slow your roll. Sex doesn’t have to be a race, you know! It may take several attempts, days, weeks, but practicing is half the fun.

When you feel ready, go ahead and slip your thumb in. Move in slowly and apply more lube as necessary. Remember, it should feel good, not painful.

Turn the key

Once you have penetrated to the base of your hand/top of the wrist, you are going to want to make a motion like you are turning a key in a lock. Now you have a fist inside of someone. Hot!

Hitting the right spots

Fisting is more about the sensation of fullness than it is about a thrusting motion, so try slowly making a come hither motion or making gentle rotations with your fist. And cutie who is receiving, make sure to let your fisting buddy know what feels good and what does not.

You can still stimulate the G-spot or prostate with your fist, if that’s what your cutie wants. Every body is different and will like different things. So play around and find out what works for you.

Pulling out

After the person receiving has had their fill, get ready to pull out slowly. It took time to get in, and it will take time to get out again. You can reverse the “turn the key” move and duck bill as you pull out to ensure you don’t hurt your thoroughly spent cutie. Making sure to move slowly, and apply lube again if necessary.

Talk about it (again)

Definitely talk about what it was like for everyone after! Did feelings come up? Did you figure out this was your favorite thing? Your absolute least favorite thing? Want to try it on the kitchen table next time? When we communicate what works and what doesn’t, we can have hotter sex. So talk it out and see what worked and what didn’t.

I hope this guide helps you find some hot, safe femin-fisting fun! I’m here to answer any other questions you may have about how to make your sex better and more in line with your politics. Want to know how to find the G-spot? How to strap it on? Curious about how radical consent works? Want tips and tricks for giving blowjobs? How about getting your first flogger? Email undressed@feministing.com to send me your questions about sex, relationships, BDSM, kink, polyamory, or anything else!

Illustrations by Alex Fukui