A rude slap into reality

I always knew I was different from most girls. I am a yes person and I did not see why as a woman I could not do anything anyone else could do. I felt privileged in my childhood because my parents did not instill oppressive boundaries into my habits of thinking and living. But as I became a woman I would still experience the harsh realities that the world is not fair and men are still largely in control.

I was on top of the world when I entered into an abusive relationship that changed my life forever. I was studying at a prestigious all women’s college in 2007 and felt empowered. My reality was ironic. I was studying sexism, domesticity and sex roles, glass ceiling and the force of social implications of gender identities. I entered into a relationship with a chauvinistic man who did everything he could to chip away at my confidence and strength as an empowered woman.

I then proceeded to move with this man to a backwards southern town and risk everything I had worked so hard for while studying with my amazing female mentors. To this day I still have trouble understand why I was able to be wrapped up in this relationship. I guess what snapped me back into reality was living 1000 miles away from family and friends in an environment that almost destroyed my feminist strength.

I was so naive before I moved to the south. I could not grasp the concept that the case studies I was reading was still a reality in the United States. When I moved there the community of men and women was something so foreign to me. I came from a place that encouraged female empowerment and moved to a place that looked down upon the same thing. I moved to a place where women were to be looked at not heard. The female voice was second in public forums. Women did not support and encourage each other. Women betrayed each other in order to prove loyalties to men.

My strengths is what brought me down and what saved me at the same time. I have never felt such pain and disappointment in life. I stayed in this abusive community for one year. Fighting to believe that I could make my own reality and thrive anywhere. I was not willing to believe that I could not find a niche in any community. So for one year I was outcast, put down, and abused with no friends or family close at all.

When I finally brought myself to a place to break free. My hate and anger had become so overwhelming I broke down several time. But the last time I broke down it was for my survival. My strength made me finally admit that the environment I was living in was bad. Bad for me and bad for women. I had to admit I could not save the world and I had to save myself.

I drove 14 hours straight to my parents. I cried for weeks. I screamed like I never have before. I felt hate like I never thought I would. And then I started to rebuild my life. It has been almost two years and the pain is still fresh. But today I realized I am stronger than ever. Even though the oppressive patriarchal communities of yesteryear are still as strong as ever right under my nose I am stronger after the sting of the whip.

I am just starting for forgive my abuser because that is what I need to do for myself. Not for him, but for me to be able to move on with my life. And now it is time to get back into fighting for women. Teaching women that unity is strength. I want to help others never go through what I have.

I am very excited to have found this site. And I look forward to finding my voice again.