Ask Professor Foxy: Should I Cum If My Partner Can’t?

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Dear Professor Foxy,
I’m a 17-year-old girl, and my girlfriend is 16. We’ve been together a little over 8 months and been having sex for around 4, and neither of us has ever had sex with another person. She has never had an orgasm. She’s given it a rather valiant effort, but not succeeded. She feels left out around her friends, all of whom are quite orgasmic. She generally feels like something is wrong with her, even though I’ve told her her situation is not at all unusual, and that many many women do not orgasm until they are older. It still bothers her, which I understand– I probably wouldn’t be able to handle it as well as she has.
We’re in a serious relationship, and plan to stay together into the indeterminate future.
When we have sex, I hold myself back from coming. I love sex with her so much that it’s not been too much of a problem for me. Coming would definitely be nice. I feel like orgasm is a poor reward, though, if she feels in any way left out of sex. I plan to discuss this with her soon, but I thought I’d get some advice first. I know she’d never feel it was her place to tell me I shouldn’t come. Should I orgasm at will, or should I stick it out until she too learns how to come?
Thanks,
In Love and Torn
Dear ILAT,
Thanks for writing. It is wonderful how much you care for your girlfriend and her feelings. You are right that there is nothing wrong with her. Many, many women do not experience orgasm at 16.
Sex is not all about orgasm. Our society tells us that good sex = orgasm, but that isn’t true. Good sex is a fulfilling experience, but that may or may not have to do with orgasm, especially for women.
The answer is not to take your own orgasm off the table. In all aspects of a relationship, one person will likely be able to do something that the other cannot. You should not hold yourself pack. It will likely build resentment for you and guilt for her.
You disn’t tell me if she masturbates, but she should start there. She needs to spend some quality time experiencing her own body and determining what she likes. She should do this without the pressure of trying to orgasm. She should explore her body to see what feels best. If orgasm happens ok, if not – no big deal.
Once she has figured it out for herself, she should show you what she likes. What parts of her body feel best? What increases feeling for her? Nipples being touched? Penetration? Clitoris?
Again, take orgasm off the table. This is exploring with no defined end point. Exploring, just for the sake of exploring.
Think of both of these exercises as wandering through a woods with a lake as the orgasm. You know that some place in those woods there is a lake, but the woods are enough and amazing all on their own. However, if you wander long enough, you will eventually come upon the lake.
Best,
Professor Foxy
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