It’s Personal Now

Cross posted from End Oppression .

I have struggled with varying degree’s of depression for the past 10 years of my life, and have just come out of the most severe episode that I’ve ever had. I’m a bisexual woman and had been unemployed and living with my homophobic and sexist parents.

I have been a feminist my entire life and have been against homophobia since long before I identified as queer. Living with my parents has forced me to be silent about who I am and what I value.

Though they don’t realize it, my parents have communicated to me over and over again that they believe I have less value and am less worthy of respect than they are.

When I was a teenager my dad told me that he has no problems with lesbians, but that he hopes I don’t become one.

My mom voted to ban same sex marriage in her state, explaining to me that “family” is the root of civilization as if it was self evident to her that same sex couples don’t have families. At least not families as worthy as her own.

My parents have stayed silent while my brother calls his enemies “fags.”

My mom has forced me to listen to lectures about how homosexuality goes against (her) god’s will.

She has also forced me to listen to lectures about how pre-marital
sex and abortion is wrong. When I started volunteering for Planned
Parenthood she asked me why I’d want to volunteer for an abortion mill.

Since childhood, my dad has forced me to be his confidant about his marital problems with my mom.

More than once my dad has complained to me about how women in the US
are not as beautiful, friendly, and feminine as women from the country
he was raised in.

When I was a teenager, my dad warned me that I need to be careful with boys because they are all after only one thing.

My brother is now a teenager, and I’ve listened to my dad teach him
that girls need to be pursued and seduced because they aren’t as
interested in sex as boys are.

Neither of my parents ever taught me anything about sexual assault.

When I told my mom that I’m an atheist, she asked me how I could possibly make moral decisions without a religion.

When I have protested, I’ve received an argument or a dismissive laugh and eye roll. Never have I been taken seriously.

My dad has called me the radical freak of the family.

Over time, I’ve learned to be silent to avoid ridicule from my
family. I stopped telling my parents what I think and what I feel. I
stopped stopped telling them about my dreams and goals. I stopped
showing emotion. My personality gradually faded away.

I gradually faded away, yet my parents never seemed to
notice. Perhaps they both thought that a blank personality is normal
for a grown woman.

Living with my parents hardened me. Sexism and homophobia made me
angry, but it was abstract. I was aware of the plight of people who are
marginalized in ways that I am not, and I was angry at society. Yet I
felt no real empathy. Oppression was a problem with society, but it
wasn’t personal.

Now I am living in another city a safe distance from my parents, and
my feelings and personality are all starting to come back. I can no
longer look at sexism and homophobia as something separate from my life.

Every time I see something sexist or homophobic, I remember what
it’s like to feel so isolated and unvalued that I didn’t want to live
anymore.

Every time I see a statistic reporting on the high suicide rates of GLBT people, I remember that I was almost one of them.

Every time I see a woman in the media portrayed as a sexist stereotype I want to scream “but I’m not like that!!!”.

It’s personal now.