Marital effects of pre-marital sex shaming

I know it is rare that I am the only one who feels a certain way about something, yet in this situation I certainly feel unique and am hoping to find out that I am not the only one so deeply affected.

A little background: I grew up fairly active in the church, a Disciples of Christ church.  Within the denomination the churches can be either more liberal or more conservative, it varies with each individual church.  However my youth minister was definitely conservative.  Through him, various camps led by the more conservative adults, and conferences we attended, I heard the “don’t have sex until you are married” speech many times and it really stuck with me. I am pretty sure I heard it some in college too, and definitely from some people I sought out to talk to about my issues with sex.

I first had sex when I was 17, with my boyfriend of 7 months who was not a Christian.  I felt so extremely guilty but not enough to stop having sex.  I realize now I was fighting with having natural human desires and pleasures but also wanting to please God.  For the next 8ish months we were together I kept going back and forth on whether what we were doing was ok, that I wanted to stop, that I wanted to do it, etc.  A few years later I had sex with someone else, and although I questioned it I didn’t feel as bad about it.  Then 2 years after that I met my (now) husband.  He was in seminary when we started dating and he was much more liberal than I was used to.  Eventually we did decide to have sex, even before we were engaged (and he’s a minister!! GASP!!).  Even then I still questioned if what we were doing was ok, I would constantly ask him and constantly wonder if I was somehow disappointing God again.  Plus there was also the added issue that I had had sex before and he hadn’t.  “Oh wait isn’t the man supposed to be more experienced?” is what I would tell myself.  At the same time I enjoyed sex and I wanted sex, there was just the small part of me that always wondered if I was ok.

We have now been married for 8 months and our sex life is not really great.  Currently, I feel like a horrible person whenever we do have sex.  That somehow I am a bad person or that I am doing something wrong.  I tell myself: sex is bad, wanting sex is bad, enjoying sex is bad, initiating sex is bad, and at the same time not pleasing my husband is bad.  I don’t understand where this is all coming from.  Have I really had much deeper issues with sexuality that I was just able to put in to a more simplistic “oh it’s just b/c I feel bad for having sex before marriage?”  Shouldn’t my issues with sex be over and done with now that I am married?  I don’t understand and it is really frustrating.  

Luckily I have a very caring, extremely understanding husband who is not trying to push me into having sex in any way.  Things would be much worse if he wasn’t like that.  There for awhile I thought it was a physical issue b/c sex hurt and b/c of that sometimes I couldn’t go long enough for him.  So is part of my fear that I won’t be good enough for him?

I feel like I put all this guilt on myself.  I love reading and learning about sexuality on here but I can’t seem to apply what I am learning to myself.  It’s been almost 6 years since I’ve first had sex and not only do I want to let go of that guilt, I’d like to understand what’s going on with myself now and be able to let that go as well.  My husband and I used to be so sexually compatible and it would be really nice to have that back again!

I really hope other people have had similar experiences.  If so, please share, and I am also open to any and all advice people have!  (And I am currently in counseling working on this and some of my other depression/anxiety related issues.  I just felt like it was time I got support from more than just her and my husband)