Last Names

When I got married eight years ago I did not take my husband’s last name. I’ve only ever had to defend this choice of mine once, when my sister-in-law asked in a rude way. I don’t care what other people choose to do with last names when they get married, I love hearing about all the things people come up with to answer the “name question.” For myself, I knew I’d never take another person’s name, or hyphenate.
When my son was born four years ago, my husband and I decided that he would have my husband’s last name as his last name and my last name as his middle name. Recently we had another child and we switched it. Our daughter’s last name is my last name; her middle name is my husband’s last name. I know that this sounds complicated, but I know that children often have no problems with things adults find strange or difficult to understand. It works for us, it is a true expression of our feminism, no one’s last name is “more important” than the other’s. (Side note: who got what name wasn’t related to the sex of the child for us. But I know people who have done that, girls have mother’s name, boys have father’s name.)
However, this choice seems to be costing us in the family relationship department. We had been on rocky ground with my husband’s parents for a while now, but I have the feeling very strongly that with this last name thing, they might never speak to us again.
Sorry to go on about inter-personal stuff here, but it’s occurred to me that choices we make as feminists with things as intimate as what we name our children can really bother people. Why should children automatically have their father’s last name? I have my father’s name and I’m fine with it, but I also know that at the time I was born, not very many people were questioning who got what last names. Wasn’t a woman “keeping her name” so very radical once? Maybe it still is for some people? I won’t mind whatever my children do with last names and children’s last names when they grow up and maybe marry, have kids etc., I just hope that they give it thought and choose whatever feels right to them and not have it dictated to them by patriarchal social norms.