Emotionally Abusive Women

My father is in an emotionally abusive relationship. I don’t know how this directly correlates with feminism, but I believe all victims of abuse, including men, should be addressed in the feminist dialogue. I am in need of some advice or feedback—my family and I are currently going through a very difficult situation and I have found Feministing discussions to be always helpful and engaging.

In December, my father married a woman who seemed, at first, to be ideal—poised, successful as a businesswoman, attractive, doting, and outwardly successful. When they were in the ‘courting’ stage, she was constantly doting on him, buying him gifts, and buying the rest of the family gifts. They quickly moved in together, and bought a house.

As soon as they got married, however, things took a completely dire turn. Her behavior changed suddenly and dramatically. I would awaken at 4AM to screaming fits of rage by my stepmother (let’s call her Linda). For days she would cry and whine and complain about my father, when I see no indication that he’d been mistreating her. She would make accusations that he treats her horrendously and cheats on her all the time. I live with them—I see that he obviously cares very much about her and displays it in his actions—cooking her meals, etc. My dad doesn’t go anywhere except for home or work (so logically, cheating would be impossible).

Her out-of-control rages usually end up in her crying and seeking the comfort and sympathy of my father’s family. She would say things like, “How dare he treat someone as beautiful as me like that?” or “He doesn’t deserve me! I am a perfect person”. No matter how much we try to rationalize with her, she would place all the blame on my father and make herself out to be the victim. If we do not agree with her, she shouts and fumes. She tries to keep the family away from my father and isolate him. The most trivial thing would set her off—such as my father not remembering a shirt was bought by her. And if she is not making a complete scene, then she is completely ignoring him—not returning his calls, not talking to him at all. Respect and communication are null. She does not handle criticism well, always believing she is superior to everyone because of her “beauty” and her wealth.

It has brought waves of anxiety to my entire family, including my dad’s sister, brother-in-law, mother, and me. My grandmother is so worried and distressed about my father’s situation (he has health problems) that she is constantly trying to appease Linda, even when she is unappeasable. The fact is when she forces us to listen to her make unfounded accusations against my father’s very character—even demonizing him—she does not listen to us in turn. I can already see the detriments to my father’s self-esteem and health. He is constantly anxious about doing even the slightest thing to offend her—and so is the rest of my family. My dad’s little sister, to whom she goes to vilify my father, is developing a sense of anxiety and fear as well.

It was only very recently that I learned to characterize Linda’s behavior as abuse. Before I thought this is just an aberration in her character, that she is isolated in her ability to manipulate others. But then I was researching it online yesterday, and indeed this behavior <a href=”http://www.therapeutic-stories.com/articles/abusivewoman.pdf”>is characterized as</a> emotional

abuse, and possibly of personality disorders like borderline or narcissistic disorders. It is just scary to me that in this particular list of traits, all of them apply to her (except for the child portion, but we’ll soon find out because her daughter is moving in soon).

Being a feminist, I tend to think of “abuse” in terms of domestic and emotional violence perpetrated by men toward women. But recent events shaping in my family have enlightened me to the fact that spousal abuse by women is entirely possible. And that the situation is incredibly delicate, but I fear for my father’s health and his mental well-being. He wants to keep this all from me, but it is clear that I have witnessed it myself.

Any thoughts or comments would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for reading.