Should hetero folks use the word “partner” ??

I had a discussion recently with some (all queer) friends. We were discussing a coworker who consistently refers to her significant other as her “partner.” Naturally, in a queer environment, most of us (falsely) assumed she was referring to a same-sex partner. 

It sparked a conversation about the effects of heterosexuals using the word “partner” to refer to their…well…their opposite-sex partner. With all of the debate about same-sex marriage and relationship recognition and whatnot, it seems like an interesting paradox about language. We as queers know that “civil unions” and “domestic partners” and “reciprocal beneficiaries” are NOT equivalent to spouses, to husbands and wives. Even when every single government right is the same (which is NOT the case and never will be, but hypothetically), there is still an inherent inferior status attached to any other word used for a partner other than husband or wife. It’s what we queers strive for…the ability to get married and call our “significant others” the same thing all those heteros have the pleasure of calling their significant others. 

So, in a nutshell, the NAME matters.

Now, having spent our entire lives not being able to refers to our significant others as husbands or wives, we have monopolized the use of alternative terms, the most prominent of which is “partner.” We use partner when we want to signify that our love interest is more than our boyfriend or girlfriend. Partner is, in a sense, similar to a spouse (sans the wonderful official recognition as such). Partner means we are serious. We are in love. We WOULD like to get married … maybe.

It’s not ideal, but hey, it’s what we’ve got.

Now, when a straight person working in a mostly-queer environment says, “my partner,” things get tricky. First of all, people will always assume you are queer when you work in the queer movement. Fact. That is how it is and that is how it will probably always be. You know this. 

Now, already armed with the knowledge that people will assume you are queer even though you’re straight, you then talk about your significant other as your partner. NAIL IN THE COFFIN. We all KNOW you’re gay now! You used our lowly, second-rate word for your baby!!

What’s this? We find out later you’re not queer. Your “partner” is the opposite sex?? You’re straight? But…but…you said “partner!” PARTNER!

Some in our group felt like our hetero co-workers use of the word “partner” was a deliberate safety net or defense mechanism. Already knowing that people assume your queer, and knowing you will (may) have to eventually “come out” as straight, using “partner” delays the inevitable. However, some were also offended. They believed that when a hetero in a queer environment uses “partner,” that person knows it will be assumed they mean “same-sex” partner. Some felt deceived. Others felt like this person was capitalizing off of our experience to get in with the cool (gay) kids.

No one mentioned that maybe this person was using “partner” consciously, perhaps as some form of conscientious objection to civil unions and domestic partnerships. Or maybe they use partner because it’s more than a gf/bf thing but less than marriage. Or maybe they use partner because they damn well feel like it.

Either way, it was definitely an interesting thing and my inner commentary has been amusing and confusing me ever since.

Any thoughts??