male feminist dating

I am a male feminist, 17 years old (very young for a guy to be into this stuff, I know, but that’s beside the point), and I find dating a bit of a a complicated issue.  The truth is, I like girls as much as any other teenage guy.  None the less, I have always found that I can be just as sexual as anyone else without being at all degrading to those I am with.  There is very little about sexuality that seems truly affected by which person you happen to be in the relationship (male or female) other than that which is generated by our culture.

Anyway as a guy, I can’t say I have experienced the same sexism that most women have.  I have seen misogynism, and male privilege imposed on girls, and feel for them greatly.  none the less, my perspective is always that of an observer.  I can sympathize, and I can fully understand intellectually, but I can’t feel what it is like to be on the receiving end of patriarchal oppression.  I do my absolute best to be a good feminist, doing what I think I would want someone to do for me if I were the oppressed one, but sometimes that isn’t good enough.  Sometimes, like in cases like this, I need some perspective and direction from those who are actually taking the brunt of tradition.

It seems to me that one of the more socially immobilizing traditions that must be fought is the established rule that men initiate relationships, and women simply accept or reject.  For the person who has to actually ask the other out to go out with the person they are most interested in, the person they are interested in does not have to actually be all that attracted to them; they simply have to be nice enough to give them a chance.  For the person who does not initiate relationships to go out with the person they are most interested in, they must be the one that that other person likes most, in order to be asked out by them.  I can’t speak for everyone, but at any given time, there are only one or two people I like enough to ask out, but a huge number of people I would gladly go out with if they asked me.  Therefore, this tradition dramatically reduces the odds of a woman getting the guy she is most attracted to.  This is something that meeds to be stopped.

If I were female, the method of fighting this would be obvious; ask guys out.  Since I am male, I am not quite sure.  The best thing I can do is to simply do nothing to hinder girls in doing this, and, when a female friend mentions a guy she likes, encourage her to go after him, rather than waiting around.  However, these are passive, rather than proactive steps.  Now, the time has come for me to decide what to do with my own dating policies.  I suppose me asking girls out the normal way doesn’t hinder them in doing the same.  However, I feel as if by doing that, I am exercising male privilege.  Perhaps it’s irrational, but it doesn’t feel right for me to do something that women have a harder time with.  I would in effect, be using male privilege.  While initiating a relationship is something that all human beings deserve the right to do, and I would merely be exercising this right myself while encouraging women to do the same, I would feel as if, by doing something that my female friends have a hard time with because of their gender, I am participating in the patriarchy.  I feel better about making myself as available as possible, flirting now and then, and hoping that the girl I am interested in will make a first move.  However, this essentially puts me in the same position as women, which allows me to better understand their position, but does not help them get out of it.  On the other hand, it could be argued that the passive steps I already described in the previous paragraph are a lot easier to take than the proactive steps women can take, and that therefore it is unreasonable for me to expect a girl to initiate a relationship with me when it is easier for me to do it.

In short, if I ask girls out, I feel like I’m using male privilege, and participating in the patriarchy by doing something to them that society tries to prevent them from doing to me.  I would certainly increase the ration of guys asking girls to girls asking guys, which is not at all a good thing.  If I don’t, I am expecting more of them than I am giving.  I feel a bit stuck.  Anyone have any thoughts?