Assholes vs. Apologists

This is a regular article in the opinion section in my school’s magazine, Miami Quarterly. It is always offensive, but this edition’s article is just more offensive than ever before. The feminist group on campus, of which I am vice president, will be sending letters to both Ryan Bakita and the Editor-in-Chief of this publication. We’re going to compose and send one well thought out letter to the editor, but we plan to completely flood the inbox of Ryan Bakita, the author. If any of you have any comments you’d like to pass on to him, you can do so here.

Disclaimer: We realize that the "Girls" section is no better than the "Boys" section, but it is at least less infuriating.

Boys Vs. Girls

Chivalry

BOYS: This article will investigate the women’s equality movement over the past century, exploring social boundaries in which women’s desire for equality has been stretched and manipulated for their own personal gain and satisfaction. Yes, ladies, that was a lot of big words, so have your man do the "chivalrous thing" by reading this for you.

I, despite what Allie says, am a gentleman. I can converse intelligently, be polite, offer appropriate compliments and I hold that door open for you with a complementary smile. However, some females’ expectations contradict their social progress. You wanted the right to vote so bad, and you got it. Congratulations. Fast-forward and you got Title IX, but female masses were too busy "crusading" (burning bras) to pay attention to issues like this that were in their favor. I know guys, I don’t get it either, but I’m sure the boys back then got a good show.

Nowadays, it’s all about equal opportunity and pay in the work place. That’s all well and good, I suppose, but let’s not pretend that there is a lot more (ahem) opportunity for women to "dance" their way to the top … horizontally. Before you even start, ladies, we all know that it’s much easier for you to use sex appeal to get what you want; you are the fairer sex and with the opportunity to milk it, many of you do.

So you got what you want: power and independence. Well, except for the part where you open doors and pick up checks at restaurants. You girls act like doing that is your kryptonite, but we all know that it’s just a clever act to cling on the one last thread of the "helpless lady" fagade. But really, what is your argument, tradition? Well traditionally you weren’t allowed to vote or own land — shall we revert back to the good old days just to be a "Legit Chivalrous Gentleman?" I’m no barbarian. I can treat a lady to a good time, but if you want things to be fair and equal, that doesn’t just mean when it’s convenient for you. You think men are the "bread-winners," so we should be taking care of our women? I can tell you that right now my girlfriend (yes, that’s right, I have one) makes six times what I make. Why should I pay every time? That’s like us saying that since women give birth they should take care of the little brats all the time. Stings a little don’t it?

Girls need to chill. You act like none of us know how to treat you, but vou can’t say that chivalry is totally dead. So if equality’s what you want, feel free to pay for my dinner sometime.

GIRLS: Chivalry is not dead. It’s just hanging by a strand of thread over the edge of a cliff. Its hand is getting sweaty. There’s water full of sharks at the bottom. And rocks. Sharp rocks.

Some guys (ahem … Ryan) pride themselves on keeping chivalry "not dead." This is the dude with the other end of the thread twisted around his pinky finger as he lies in a lawn chair nonchalantly sipping a Natty. He’s also the guy that gets offended when you don’t kiss his feet and take off your pants after he holds the door open for you.

Chivalry isn’t composed of isolated acts. It’s a way of life ingrained within you. To make it a little clearer, I’ve compiled a little list of rules to which one must consistently and genuinely adhere to be considered a "Legit Chivalrous Gentleman (LCG)."

1. A LCG pulls out a lady’s chair for her in social situations. Without
expecting to pull off her clothes later in the night.

2. A LCG opens doors for a lady. Other than the one to her
bedroom.

3. A LCG occasionally buys flowers for a lady just for the heck of it.
(So, yeah guys, when give a girl roses because you’re in trouble for
being a douche, that doesn’t count).

4. A LCG always at least pretends a lady is pretty. Even if that lady
looks like Shrek’s wife.

5. A LCG always offers his coat to a lady when she looks cold or
says she is cold. I know adding layers between you and her boobs
miiight be difficult, but I believe in you. You can do it.

I’ll be fair and admit that a select few guys’ neural pathways have been well conditioned in this arena. The rest of you are just unconscious, or you have ulterior motives when you’re "chivalrous." And that is evil.

I know most guys’ beef with chivalry is that women fought for equality and chivalry is a double standard. Waa. I don’t care. You think our lives aren’t full of double standards imposed by you all? We help pay the bills, just like you, but did any of you reciprocate and fight for the right to make the kids’ lunches and wipe their butts? Honestly, it doesn’t even matter if some of you did. Until you squeeze a tiny human out a bodily orifice the size of your nostril, we get to bitch all we want. It’s your penance to us for bearing the heavy side of the cross in the proliferation of humanity.