To be or not to be feminist?

I’m a feminist because I see sexism everywhere around me, but sometimes I still wish I could just stop being a feminist.

There are a lot of people I used to be friends with that I rarely see anymore, either because I don’t feel comfortable around their sexist attitudes or because they don’t feel comfortable around my feminist attitudes. It’s not that I can’t talk about anything but overthrowing the patriarchy. It’s just that once they associate me with the f-word they don’t know how to relate to me anymore.

I’m starting to feel the strains on other friendships with men who just don’t take feminism seriously. It’s the classic “I’m entitled to my ignorance” privilege. Sure, you’re feminist and that’s fine, but I’m not sexist so I should never have to hear about it or think about it.

Then there are women who insist that there just isn’t enough discrimination to complain about anymore. If a woman sets her mind to something, she can achieve it. If there are individual companies that do discriminate against women, they are amoral and no one should want to work for them anyway.

The men around the table nod their heads in agreement.

I’m a feminist because I’m a sexual assault survivor, but sometimes I still think I’d rather not be feminist.

I’m constantly hearing from some source or another that girls should not drink or flirt with men if they don’t want to have sex. Men can’t be blamed for what they do once a woman has turned them on in some way. It enrages me every time I hear that rage apologist bullshit, but it still makes me doubt myself every time, and sometimes I think this would all be easier to deal with if I could write it off as a mistake I made. Maybe that would be less scary.

Ultimately I know that I have to be a feminist, because now that I’ve awakened to the sexism around me I’ll never be able to deny it again. Patriarchy is real, sexual violence is real, glass ceilings are real, so there’s no other way to be than feminist.

But how do I keep from losing all hope, and just resigning myself to the probability that there will never be a post-patriarchal world?