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By litcritter0 • 14 years ago

Facebook request from an abusive ex

I got a Facebook friend request from an ex the other day.  Normally, I have a policy of saying yes to such requests, provided you’re someone I actually know.  I figure that if I recognize your name, and you want to be my friend, I’ll give it a shot.  So far it’s worked out okay (although I have unfriended a couple of people).  The only exception I’ve made was a cousin who is extremely religious and extremely conservative, and I did that mostly because I think we’ll get along much better if we’re not reading one another’s thoughts on Facebook.  Several of my exes are on Facebook, and it’s never really been a thing.

But this particular ex was both emotionally and physically abusive.  She sent me a long note along with the friend request, essentially saying that she’s worked really hard to be a better person, is sorry for being so horrible to me, and wishes me and my family all the best.  This is not the first time I’ve gotten that sort of message, but the last time around, it wasn’t long after the abuse, and her message was all about her, and didn’t really seem like she understood just how abusive she’d been.  This time, it’s been almost 20 years, and it seemed like she really got it, and was really authentically sorry.

In the end, I’m inclined to send back a nice note, but not friend her.  How, exactly, do I ...
By litcritter0 • 14 years ago

Guaranteed to offend someone

With very rare exceptions, when I find out that I’ve offended someone, it ties my guts in knots. I want to be considerate, and kind. The problem, of course, is that the only way to avoid giving offense is to either remain silent, or to use such blandly inconsequential language that ones ideas are diluted to the point of uselessness. And even then, you’re open to someone somewhere taking offense at your excessive use of multisyllabic words, or academicese, or some such thing.

The recent kerfuffle over Harry Reid’s use of “negro dialect” and the number of people who compared it to Trent Lott’s comments in praise of Strom Thurmond pointed me at one way of thinking about ...

With very rare exceptions, when I find out that I’ve offended someone, it ties my guts in knots. I want to be considerate, and kind. The problem, of course, is that the only way to ...
By litcritter0 • 14 years ago

Guaranteed to offend somebody

With very rare exceptions, when I find out that I’ve offended someone, it ties my guts in knots.  I want to be considerate, and kind.  The problem, of course, is that the only way to avoid giving offense is to either remain silent, or to use such blandly inconsequential language that ones ideas are diluted to the point of uselessness.  And even then, you’re open to someone somewhere taking offense at your excessive use of multisyllabic words, or academicese, or some such thing.  

The recent kerfuffle over Harry Reid’s use of “negro dialect” and the number of people who compared it to Trent Lott’s comments in praise of Strom Thurmond pointed me at one way of thinking about offensiveness.  One ...

With very rare exceptions, when I find out that I’ve offended someone, it ties my guts in knots.  I want to be considerate, and kind.  The problem, of course, is that the only way to avoid giving ...
By litcritter0 • 14 years ago

The “Nice Guy” Defense on Bones

We’re all familiar with the stereotypical “nice guy” who complains that “women” don’t appreciate him because he’s too nice, women only date jerks, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. Of course it’s sexist from the start because the guy’s making claims about women as a monolithic group, but these guys generally display a host of other behaviors that are certainly not “Nice.”
So I couldn’t help but laugh as I was watching Bones the other night, and the killer’s self-professed motive was that the victim didn’t appreciate him, only wanted to date good looking jerks, and that he was too nice of a guy for her to want to date. Which was why he brutally murdered her, after which he kept ...

We’re all familiar with the stereotypical “nice guy” who complains that “women” don’t appreciate him because he’s too nice, women only date jerks, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. Of course it’s sexist from the start because the ...
By litcritter0 • 14 years ago

A Positive Definition of Masculinity

Courtney’s recent article on masculinity makes me want to share some of my thoughts on the matter. Her thesis is that the ‘new’ masculinity is still defined negatively, that young feminist men know what they don’t want to be, but haven’t yet figured out what their manhood is going to look like. It is, indeed, a tough question.

Most men start with a list of things they don’t want to be. Sometimes, it’s just a single man we don’t want to emulate. But either way, it’s don’t be weak, don’t be scared, don’t be mean, don’t take any shit, don’t start any trouble, etc., etc. Gradually, we start figuring out who we are in a ...

Courtney’s recent article on masculinity makes me want to share some of my thoughts on the matter. Her thesis is that the ‘new’ masculinity is still defined negatively, that young feminist men know what they ...
By litcritter0 • 14 years ago

Kudos to Rockler

I’m a woodworker, which means most of the ads and magazines I read related to my hobby are aimed at men.  I happen to be a man, as are most of the woodworkers I know, so maybe this is natural.  Still, every once in a while, I see something that bucks that trend and makes me smile. 

This Mother’s Day ad from Rockler (a woodworking store) is one of those things.  The text of the ad reads, "This year, get Mom something special — like this all-purpose mini lathe! Great for making custom pens, plates and bowls and more, it’s the perfect gift for the beginning wood turner."

Rockler’s CEO is a woman, and they’re a corporate sponsor the organization Women ...

I’m a woodworker, which means most of the ads and magazines I read related to my hobby are aimed at men.  I happen to be a man, as are most of the woodworkers I know, so maybe ...
By litcritter0 • 15 years ago

Sexist assumptions

I’m reading a Charles Stross novel, and just ran across a scene that my brain just wouldn’t parse until I got to the end and then read it through again. It’s a discussion between the narrator, a nurse, and a cop. They all have clearly different agendas and are otherwise were easy to distinguish, but when it got down to pronouns, my brain sort of gacked. My problem was that my brain read cop and though “male” and read nurse and thought “female” even though the text clearly said that the cop was a woman and the nurse was a man.

I like Stross quite a bit, and one of my favorite things about him is his willingness ...

I’m reading a Charles Stross novel, and just ran across a scene that my brain just wouldn’t parse until I got to the end and then read it through again. It’s a discussion between the narrator, ...

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