Fucking with Feministing: Body Image Issues

We’re back with another installment of Fucking with Feministing! This is Feministing’s monthly sex advice column where we answer questions from you. I’m Sesali and I’ll be your resident sexpert with the help of our friends at the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) who have partnered with us to make sure that we have smart and safe with our sexy. We’re looking forward to helping you stay informed (and hopefully have great sex, because my feminism wouldn’t be complete without it). Send your questions to sesali@feministing.com – each month we’ll pick a question to talk about here. Questions will remain anonymous. We’re so glad that you’re Fucking with Feministing!

Q: How do I overcome body image issues to feel sexy when it comes to making love with my partner?

We all have insecurities and/or things that we wish were different about our bodies: the way they look, how they work, etc. These insecurities can originate or be expounded from personal trauma, abuse, or just internalized images about what “normal” or “sexy” bodies should look like (thanks, patriarchy and mass media). While we all may have different ways of coming to terms with what we understand to be shortcomings, the fact remains that the way we feel about our bodies can affect our sex lives. And for good reason there are very few occasions that require us to expose and share our bodies in such a close and intimate way as sex does. But if you, like me, are interested in continuously strengthening your relationship with your own body in a way that facilitates better sexual experiences, there are some practices and steps that might help.

Something that I have found extremely helpful and transformative over the years have been affirmations. Affirmations can come in many different forms and from various sources; the key is to intentionally introduce them into your consciousness and ruminate on them. You can write your own affirmations that you repeat daily, or as part of a self love ritual. When I decided to address some of the body issues I had, I found myself spending a lot of time in the mirror coming face to face with the things I hated the most about my body and gently speaking kind affirmations. It could be something as sentimental as  “My body is one variation of many. It’s unique and special” or as simple as “I’m a bad bitch.” Depending on your specific interests, it might be more helpful to write your affirmations down in a place you’ll frequently see them. You can also find some really cool ones online.  As long as you are actively and intentionally digesting them as a way to counter negative self image, affirmations will be useful.

Affirmations from your partner(s) can also be very helpful, especially if your body issues leave you feeling as though they aren’t attracted to you. But you have to be careful not to rely on your partner solely to help manage and eliminate these challenges. Instead, you may want to just be upfront with your partner about what those issues are. If you’re comfortable sharing the details and intricacies of your insecurities, having an honest conversation about them can yield great results. You might come to realize that your partner isn’t repulsed or turned off by your body. Carol reminds us that our partner’s attraction to us or inclination towards what we think are inadequacies can help us break down assumptions about how our bodies are perceived. But even if you aren’t affirmed in this way, you might just be comforted in having additional support as you work through the issue. Sharing this with your partner can be useful in coming up with useful strategies to gently acknowledge your issue in a way that isn’t prohibitive to your sexual experiences, and in some cases can make them more pleasurable.

But if you find yourself still struggling with intimacy as a result of lingering body issues, you might need to seek outside help. If you have access to it, seeking the professional help of a therapist could help you unpack and address your body image issues in a healthy and productive way. If not, you may find a similar opportunity in a support group, online forum, or other collective. Sometimes meeting and getting to know other people with similar issues cna help alleviate any shame or stigma you might have. Marlene offers these strategies as a way of dealing with sex-related body image issues:

There are a variety of online and IRL communities built around various body image issues in our society. There is an entire movement of fat activist/acceptance/etc political organizing and discussion support. Certainly, when not in public, plenty of trans people spend lots of time discussing with each other the ways they deal with their body issues. There are discussions happening among people recovering from eating disorders, self-image discussions among a wide variety of visibly disabled people, people with conditions such as allopecia and vitiligo, and almost any group you could imagine with some physical characteristic marking them as other in our society. Go find some that are relevant to you, and if they don’t give you something you need, look for another, there are so many.

Another way some people have dealt with their body image issues around sex has been through the thoughtful consumption of erotic entertainment and art. One strategy I have heard used has been to consider erotic materials focused on bodies outside of your usual range of attraction and trying to understand what about those bodies is being presented as attractive and appreciating it personally, and then applying that newfound skill of stretching one’s experience of attraction to one’s own body; to find one’s own desirability in new ways. There are people in the world who have adopted pornography as a medium for enacting social change and as an aid to emotional healing in various communities. Their work can be a vital
resource for some.

Some of the people engaged in this kind of healing work include Tobi Hill-Meyer and Laurie Toby Edison. Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy comes highly recommended. Using whatever resources you have, refusing to bear the burden of your body image issues on your own can provide some relief and get you on track to have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

Sex does not happen in a vacuum outside of the emotional, physical, and historical conditions of our lives. You aren’t alone if you’re struggling with body image issues that make sex difficult, uncomfortable, or impossible. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and seeking help and support where you can.

Thanks for checking out this month’s Fucking with Feministing! Again, send all of your sexy, salacious questions to sesali@feministing.com and maybe your question will be featured next month.