Fucking with Feministing: Squirting

We’re back with another installment of Fucking with Feministing! This is Feministing’s monthly sex advice column where we answer questions from you. I’m Sesali and I’ll be your resident sexpert with the help of our friends at the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) who have partnered with us to make sure that we have smart and safe with our sexy. We’re looking forward to helping you stay informed (and hopefully have great sex, because my feminism wouldn’t be complete without it). Send your questions to sesali@feministing.com – each month we’ll pick a question to talk about here. Questions will remain anonymous. We’re so glad that you’re Fucking with Feministing!

Q: I’ve got a question for your “Fucking with Feministing” column. It’s a little embarrassing, but here it goes:

What exactly is “squirting” and what makes it happen? My girlfriend has said she’s made other partners squirt and wants me to be open to the idea of getting it to happen for me. Have no idea how to make this happen and neither does she. For some reason the whole idea makes me feel a little embarrassed. Do you have any answers about what/why/how this happens?

This question was bound to come up and I’m glad it did. I would even venture to call this Part 2 of our original post about vaginal orgasms. But before we jump into the “logistics” and good things about squirting, I have to gripe about it just a little. Don’t get me wrong, I have loved every minute of the build up to squirting. The sensation that it has provided has been overwhelmingly euphoric. I’ve also melted watching the look of satisfaction on my partner’s face after a job so well done. I pretty much love everything about it. But squirting can make the phrase “too much of a good thing” ring true. While I love the kind of orgasm that squirting offers, it can drain (no pun intended) all of your energy. It’s most likely that if squirting happens, there are no more rides on this train for at least a few hours. And in that tired state I have to make the decision to either clean up or sleep in the puddle. This is about the point for me when all the glamour in squirting has faded. But enough about me. This certainly shouldn’t deter you from exploring the infamous female ejaculation.

I want to start by saying that I think that your girlfriend is on to something by suggesting that you open yourself to the “idea” of squirting. For someone who has never experienced this, getting over the mental hurdles (i.e. embarrassment like you mentioned) is absolutely vital. As is the case with most orgasmn, being comfortable with your partner and in a state where you can commit all of your attention to your own pleasure will help facilitate the process of squirting. While squirting can be a messy ordeal, as I mentioned, it is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Even though I don’t prefer it all the time now, I was rather proud the first time I pulled it off. I was amazed at the capabilities of my own body and, because I was alone at the time, couldn’t wait to share the experience with someone else.

I was reminded recently that there isn’t much more expert on this topic than our beloved Carol Queen. Seriously, she made a movie all about squirting called GUSH. Thankfully we have her to explain all of the technical stuff around this phenomenon. Squirting (also known as female ejaculation, but of course not all people with vaginas identify as female) is usually associated with G-spot stimulation. The G-spot is also known as the female prostate or prostata femina (worth noting again that all this vocabulary is cisnormative), and it is glandular tissue wrapped around the urethra; little openings in there allow the fluid to be expelled from the urethra, NOT the vagina as some people assume. Some people find the G-spot area sensitive but don’t ejaculate; others do; and still others have not experienced any particular special sensation from that area, either because their spot isn’t sensitive or because it has never been stimulated right. (Many need pretty firm pressure on it to “wake it up” which means you must be very aroused and wet––I always recommend extra lube for this, because without it, the amount of pressure might not even feel good at all.) Some people talk about using a “come hither motion” with one or two crooked fingers stroking the upper wall of the vagina (think of the back side of where the clit is).

One study a while back suggested that people with vaginas who have sex with people with vaginas are more likely to have sensitive G-spots and to ejaculate, and I have a theory that this is because so many of us have experienced cunnilingus plus fingers in the puss, and that is a very good combo for being as aroused as you need to be to have this response. There has also been a bunch of debate around whether the fluid that is produced during squirting is urine or something else. Marlene Hoeber reminds us that people who have tasted both, and other scientist-explorers, report that there is a definite difference.

It’s important to note that not everyone can or will squirt. Your mileage may vary. The response of one person in G-spot play (or ANY other kind of sex) will not necessarily compare very closely with someone else’s. Each of us is a sexual individual, and each will have varying sensations and preferences––including how much fluid in an ejaculation, whether it squirts or dribbles, whether they like internal stimulation enough to ejaculate in the first place. But in order for you and your partner to to find out, here are some tips:

• Alleviate some of this pressure to perform. I understand that your partner wants to experience this with you, and you’re considering it, but sex should be fun and sexy, not demanding. Squirting is often, though not always, associated with orgasm, and pressuring yourself or your lover is NOT a way to have an orgasm, especially a new kind.

• It might be helpful to start alone. This is my “go to” advice when exploring new sexual sensations simply because we are less likely  to feel self-conscious or tense when there is no one else around. You might find, to your partner’s disappointment, that this is the only way that you can squirt. Squirting with your partner will be much easier if you already have an idea of what your needs are.

• Try using a variation of objects, including your fingers, to capture the right sensation. If you can, you might find different positions helpful as well. Marlene has heard reports that for some people, the right amount of pressure on the G-spot is easier to achieve through the butt. Either way, there are plenty of toys made specifically for G-Spot stimulation, almost all of them are curved. Some people also like vaginal (or whatever you call your bits) balls as well.

Grab yourself a towel (and maybe a Cum Cloth) and a Red Bull and get to it! Thanks for checking out this month’s Fucking with Feministing! Again, send all of your sexy, salacious questions to sesali@feministing.com and maybe your question will be featured next month!