Does Size Matter? The Problem with Pushing Men to be the Sexual Alpha (Constantly)

If you thought sexual inequality has to do with just females, it actually doesn’t. And because the “menimists” refuse to make any effort to actually point out the sexual inequality involving men, maybe I, Kerry Moynihan, will instead.

A study was released this week by the BJU International (formally British Urology Journal International) about penis size. We all know the old tale—men with bigger penises are “better in bed.” It’s an old societal tale that is seemingly celebrated by so much of our culture—and yet, is it true? Well, this study by BJU International did prove, to an extent, the societal problem—obviously—with penis size. The article discussed body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), a disorder where men are totally preoccupied with the size and shape of their penis.

according to a large internet survey mentioned by the article, heterosexual men and women, 85% of women were satisfied with their partner’s penis size, but only 55% of the men were satisfied with their own penis size. Thus, only 15% of women say that erect penis size is important and erect girth is generally more important than length.

In regards to whom they were interviewing, I think it’s also important to take into account the group they were interviewing. The only women interviewed who were in their twenties were from Nigeria—not the United States, which is the country I think the issue is vastly overlooked. There was no clear evidence on whether or not women who were younger cared about whether or not, size mattered, although some women from San Diego State University seemed to think so.

We’ve already seen how women are treated by society when it comes to sex. Girls are generally told by the youngest ages to “wait for a boy who loves you.” This doesn’t necessarily mean don’t have sex until you’re married, but it means to wait for a boy/man who will be your boyfriend. Women and girls are more than often rejected for being open about their sexuality and sexual experimentation, and are therefore “sluts.” Their families also reject women and girls who are open about their sexual activity or sexuality, even if that rejection isn’t on a total literal level. For example, I have already been rejected by several of my relatives because of sexually explicit content that I openly put on my blogs/website/Facebook page. The minute I show my stomach, I am already “putting my future in jeopardy.” This does not happen with any of my male cousins—although none of them have ever posted anything blatantly controversial, nothing they say is ever questioned by any of the women in my family. Women and girls are told from the youngest ages that sex is for procreation or love or some sort of emotional connection with a man (even if they do not want this connection to be emotional… which is basically the way I feel).

And why does it not happen with them? Because, in order to fulfill sexual freedom, women and girls must be rebellious. According to Basow, women and girls tend to be more sexually rebellious, while men and boys are not. This could precisely be why women choose to sexualize their bodies more often then men do (besides the influence of sexual objectification in the media—which is not, in any way, a positive form of a woman being sexual because it emphasizes that women are just a mish-mash of body parts, rather than a whole body with a mind and sexual being behind it), and they may emphasize their sexuality in this way by the clothing they wear, for example. However, this sexual rebellion may only be displayed by appearance, and not by having actual sex, because women and adolescent girls are still told over and over to not initiate sex, and to instead let find romantic relationships with men so that they will not be criticized for being so open sexually.

This lack of granted sexual equality of women certainly does have an impact on men. Although the study is rather out-of-date, Basow identifies a study done in 1976 where nearly half of men interviewed felt that the responsibility for sexual initiation should be equal between husband and wife. Yet, according to women, they felt uncomfortable as the initiator, perhaps because they sense men’s ambivalence about losing control. The pressure to appear in charge may also make men hesitant to reveal ignorance or uncertainty—which, therefore, inhibits open communication between two sexual partners about sexual interaction.

I remember last year, in my “Intro to Communication” class, we talked about how, in the field of health and wellness, men often won’t reveal a sickness to their partner until after the illness occurs. Men could be afraid of showing weakness. After all, they are told by society that weakness is bad for men and that they constantly have to prove that they are strong 100 percent of the time, fitting our gendered society’s wishes.

I was able to take even more information for my source in “The Problem with Sexual Inequality at Every Level” to find out more about the pressure placed on men to be constantly sexually superior. According to Basow, if sexual difficulties occur, men will be criticized, while the women will not be criticized as much. Our society teaches men to see sex as goal-oriented; he must understand that his job in the sexual relationship is to make the woman orgasm. At the same time, society has gendered men into two separate categories: men who are tough and men who are weak. This “strong man” vs. “weak man” stereotype coincides with the size of a man’s penis; if he has a small penis, he is weak and unable to satisfy a woman; if he has a big penis, he is automatically able to satisfy a woman and is “more attractive.”

Let me explain it in simpler terms: While men may not—for the most part—have the same body image problems that women have, there is still certainly an issue with acceptance of the male body and men at a sexual level. Considering testosterone already exists, it isn’t fair for our society to push for men to constantly be put in a situation where they have to always be dominant on a societal and sexual level. Pushing for men to be “big” or “tough” is just as bad as telling women they’re sluts.

The biggest problem doesn’t just lie in penis size. Men are judged for far more than we believe they are. For example, while men are taller than women on average, most women still seem to prefer taller men more than shorter men prefer taller women. From my perspective (and as someone who prefers men who are closer to my height, although I don’t really try to judge men in general) I think that this is because of the societal norm just as much as penis size is. According to the article from Mail Online, women claimed that they liked men who were taller than them because they felt protected under a tall man. But does the height of a man really measure whether or not he can “protect” you? Isn’t there much more that goes into a man’s power besides height, such as the physical strength of a man or his—wait for it—intellectual abilities? Perhaps, in the case of height, women have fallen into the societal norm. Similar in a way to the fact that many women who do not believe they are their husband’s property still take their husband’s last name, this longing for a taller man could, in theory, adhere to tradition—that men were generally the protector (in every sense, not just physical) whereas women were the protected, in all situations (not just physical).

I hate to burst the bubble of anyone who believes that women should be sexually subservient while men should be sexually dominant, but sex is a two-way street. It takes two to tango. What those who promote sexual inequality are doing is affecting the lives of both men and women—and it NEEDS to stop. You’re not helping anything by telling women to shut up about their sexuality, just like you’re constantly telling men that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not “big enough”. While some men may see penis-size as a way to feel more tough, it’s simply not something that makes you tougher–all it does is help create a society that is more distorted when it comes to gender. You’re penis is just the way it is. Genetics. It’s not the size of the boat; it’s the motion of the ocean–that’s true.

With all of this said, the men out there should know this: Yes, you are normal. Just like women, you are built a certain way—and you don’t need to fight with other men as to “who’s bigger,” because the problem is not physical to the extreme level that society wants you to believe it is. Sex is a two-way street. The forceful attitude of society that you all have to be a certain “size” is ridiculous. Just believe me on that one. I may not be a man or have one, but it has nothing to do with how good sex is. Trust me. I know from experience. I don’t seem to have a hard time achieving orgasm at all—maybe it’s a little too easy, in fact—so why does it seem to matter so much to all of these girls? I know it’s difficult to open your eyes up to such a taboo idea, but just think about it—it’s one less thing to be judged for.

And, for those of you that believe that feminists cannot talk about the consequences of sexual inequality with men: Take that, menimists.

Header image credit: zenjazzygeek