Fucking with Feministing: Understanding my orgasm

Welcome back to Fucking with Feministing! This is Feministing’s monthly sex advice column where we answer questions from you. I’m Sesali and I’ll be your resident sexpert with the help of our friends at the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) who have partnered with us to make sure that we have smart and safe with our sexy. We’re looking forward to helping you stay informed (and hopefully have great sex, because my feminism wouldn’t be complete without it). Send your questions to sesali@feministing.com – each month we’ll pick a question to talk about here. Questions will remain anonymous. We’re so glad that you’re Fucking with Feministing!

Q: My relation to my orgasms is quite complicated. When I’m masturbating alone, I do fine because I’m relaxed and without any stress about the duration of masturbation, the position, etc. But when I’m with my partner in bed, I can’t have an orgasm in less than 15 minutes, and always with a cunnilingus. I don’t feel comfortable with it, especially because basically I think my partner is bored of licking me for 15-20 minutes. We talked about it several times, he told me he was okay with it.

My question is: Can you give me some explanations or advice to help me better understand my orgasms?

This is a great question. And the truth is, I think it has very little to do with your orgasms (they seems to be working just fine) and more to do with how comfortable you are with your own body and sexuality. One of the things I have learned to love the most about myself is that I can make myself come faster and harder than any partner I’ve ever had. It’s something I’m so proud of. This is in no way a reflection of my partners’ capacity to please me. I don’t mean to diminish or downplay the pleasure that other people have provided me over the years. I am beyond grateful for those experiences. But I am happy that I’m in tune enough with my sexual needs to be able to get the job done alone.

And it seems like you are, too. You know what kind of stimulation you need to achieve an orgasm (cunnilingus), and you even have an estimate as to how long it will take. Contrary to the implications of your question, I’d say you understand your orgasms pretty well. And I’m here to tell you that there is no reason to be ashamed that your partner can’t give you an orgasm with as much ease as you give yourself one. While they may certainly understand your body more than most people, they don’t understand it more than you do. Also, different sensations and stimulation produce different results and have varying “response times.” This is completely natural.

Now if you’re insistent on being able to orgasm faster with a partner, you can start by checking out our previous column on vaginal orgasms. You might even want to try some different tactics like introducing new sensations, positions, toys, etc. Carol pointed out, for example, that you may need simultaneous penetration or g-spot stimulation during cunnilingus. But as I mentioned, I think that your dilemma lives not in your nether regions, but in your head. You have some preconceived notions about what should be happening in your bedroom, and because you aren’t satisfying (no pun intended) those notions, you’re feeling insecure about your own sexual experience and performance. And I can’t say that I blame you. Biased, unrealistic porn in addition to heteronormative, male-dominated tropes about sexuality have placed limitations on what we can understand our role in the bedroom to be. The pleasure of men always comes first, and the resulting trope is that the sexual partners of men should be hyper-sexual, constantly aroused, and always easily satisfied. This model leaves a lot of people out, including gender non-conforming people, bodies, and relationship dynamics, and people like you who know they need specific stimulation and at least 15 minutes.

But this says everything about sexism and very little about you. Thus, I would suggest bringing the same “no pressure” attitude that you use when masturbating into your sexual experiences with your partner. Watching the clock is no way to enjoy head — or any other sexual experience! I’m not suggesting that it’s easy to simply do away with conditioning that tells us that our pleasure is some how deviant and abnormal, but reminding yourself that you are the expert when it comes to your own body and pleasure is important to ease those concerns.

With that being said: You have a partner who is open to communication about your pleasure and is committed to making you come. Furthermore, you seem to be getting your own rocks off regularly. It sounds like you’re doing pretty well sexually so just relax and allow yourself to enjoy it! Thanks for checking out this month’s Fucking with Feministing. As usual, send all of your sexy, salacious questions to sesali@feministing.com and maybe your question will be featured next month!