The Problem with Sexual Inequality at Every Level

It’s a very old tale. It is in the Bible and the Quran, and it is a societal norm that is still thriving today. Women should be sexually subservient, while men should be sexually dominant. Men should want, while women should want to be wanted. We still live by this standard in today’s day and age, even if you aren’t screaming war and throwing Bibles at gay people. We live in a Puritan nation and, quite frankly, a very backwards world, so men and women are not encouraged to have equal say in a sexual relationship. Therefore, even those who generally would say men and women should be granted equality would still live by this norm that men always have sexual authority over women.

If you asked a woman like the notorious anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly, then yes, sexual submission is positive in a relationship because the Bible says so. Schlafly didn’t win in her fight to stop the Equal Rights Amendment, however, because of this opinion. Most women aren’t going to want to hear that they’re here to serve their husbands. If you know anything about the history of the Equal Rights Amendment, you’d know that the STOP ERA campaign was based on other “facts”: that women would have to use the same restrooms as men or that women would not be able to obtain custody of their children in a divorce.

How the Equal Rights Amendment was defeated is a perfect example of how telling women to be sexually subservient to men is not something most people will hear word-for-word but instead is something that is ingrained into the conscience of our society’s gender norms. Older studies supported the belief that even nature wanted women to be sexually subservient. Sigmund Freud, for instance, coined the term “penis envy” to describe how a woman constantly longed to achieve orgasm, as a penis could do so easily. However, later findings came to prove that women were not naturally doomed sexually, and that indeed the traditional social factor played an extremely important part in the outcome women had in the bedroom.

According to Sex Role Stereotypes: Traditions and Alternatives, research shows drastically that the more assertive and self-confident the individual—whether male or female—the greater is that person’s capacity for sexual fulfillment. Therefore, it can be assumed that, contrary to the hypotheses of Freud, sexually assertive women are the sexiest. Sexually passive and/or conforming women are the least sexually satisfied,¹ which could contribute to the fact that many women (80 percent of women, in fact) have trouble achieving orgasm vaginally.

Indeed, contrary to Freud’s hypotheses, more than anatomy is involved in achieving female orgasm. The social structure that Puritan America still holds close is the belief that women should be sexually submissive to not only their husbands, but their boyfriends, men they date, and so forth. Sexuality should also only be openly talked about with close female friends and mothers—if you bring up your sex life in front of your male friends, they should automatically believe that you want to sleep with them. Sexuality is something that should only be discussed with someone they want to have sex with. As a result, if a girl or woman brings up her sex life with her male friends, she is deemed “desperate,” an “attention whore,” “attention-seeking” and so forth.

Furthermore, if a woman brings up sexuality in front of her father, she should be ashamed, and her dad should be horrified that she is sleeping with boys out of wedlock (or, more common in today’s world, a relationship). Our Puritan society teaches that if a father has not taught his daughter to be quiet and to be submissive towards any man that comes into her life, then he has not done his duty as a parent. This can be especially problematic for young girls who grow up in families without mothers and are not able to discuss their concerns about their health as a woman with their dad. Society teaches that instead of a father supporting his daughter’s happiness, he should instead train her to believe that she never has sexual or social authority over her husband, even if she has a higher educational level, IQ, etc. than her husband.

I know, for one, that my experiences are unique. When it comes to how openly I talk about sexuality—not even just my own, but sexuality in general—I have found myself as the outcast. That’s not to talk about myself in a negative light, but the open attitude I have about sex is something no girl I have ever met has confidently possessed. Even though I did notice that being outspoken about sexuality in general was controversial to some in high school, I have noticed the impact of my outspoken attitude immensely in college. My outspoken attitude has received various criticisms (as most controversial topics do), but I have noticed that many of the guys I know or are friends with seemingly take my attitude on sexuality the wrong way—in other words, they believe that because I am so outspoken about my sex life, I am sending the message that I am attracted to them. This isn’t to say that they force themselves on me, but they do express to me that they are attracted to me, and they do openly talk about sex in front of me with other guys because of this. I see this as positive while others see it as a negative, claiming that I am just seeking attention by being so open sexually. Those who don’t agree with my views have labeled me as someone who has low standards and will sleep with anyone who has a penis, when, in reality, I usually do not sleep with these guys who I consider friends.

My open attitude and vocal support for sexuality and sex most of the time doesn’t even have to do with the fact that I wish to have sex with that person. I instead talk about sex not for my benefit or to somehow get arousal from talking about such topics, but because I want those around me—especially women—to see sexuality as something that is naturally talked about in everyday life. If sexuality is not secretive, is will lose its label as “dirty,” especially for women. Even if we are not comfortable about talking about our own individual sex lives (which is completely okay), we still need to be open about talking about sexual problems and the sexuality of human beings. Specifically with women, society needs to be more accepting of an open atmosphere where women and girls can talk about sexuality and ask health-related questions regarding sex without being shamed by her friends, peers and family. It starts with the fact that we need to stop telling girls to be sexually submissive.

The fact of the matter is, telling girls that they have absolutely no sexual authority in a relationship is telling them that their sexuality is up for critique.

The essence of sexual subservience in women does not start in adulthood, however. In the United States, parents have been taught by their parents and those parents have been taught by their parents, and so forth, how to teach their kids about not only the anatomical concept of sex, but how their kids should approach it. For generations we have seen the way in which girls and boys are taught at home about what kind of role they are “supposed” to have in a sexual relationship. According to Basow, parents expect the adolescent son—not the daughter—to be overtly sexually active. Therefore, parents tend to be more restrictive of the daughter’s behavior, which can retard her sexual experimentation.³ If adolescent girls are sexually active in any way, it is seen as “offensive” to the family, and parents can be accused of not being sufficient with their child-rearing if the daughter is open sexually. Even on today’s American soil, many girls are still shunned by their families for having premarital sex, or, in most cases today, are discouraged by their parents when it is discovered that they are having sex with someone who is not their boyfriend. And yes, this certainly has happened to me personally.