Have we become a rape accepting society? A schoolgirl’s view

What if we talked about other crimes the way we talk about rape — like having our wallets stolen?

“That man just stole my wallet!” Well, do you have proof? Were you drinking that night? What were you wearing when this happened? Are you sure you didn’t just give him the wallet and now you are embarrassed about what happened? Perhaps there was some miscommunication? I’m just trying to get a sense of what’s going on here. He has such a bright future. All guys want wallets; you shouldn’t have had one in the first place.

“Don’t work in a tall building, someone could crash a plane into it!” “Don’t go to school, someone could come in and shoot people!” “Don’t run that marathon, someone might set off a bomb!” “Don’t walk down the street, someone could mug you!” It’s hard to imagine asking victims of violent crimes what they could have done to prevent what happened to them. But this is all too often the reality for rape victims. Rape victims should not have to go to extraordinary lengths to be heard and believed. Instead of asking women what they could have done to prevent their own rapes, we need to be asking rapists why they raped. We don’t blame victims of theft for their crimes — so why is it okay to blame victims of sexual assault?

Victim blaming happens because society teaches girls shame. Close your legs; cover yourself. Society makes us feel that for just being female we are guilty of something. As such, girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire; they grow up to be women who silence themselves; they grow up to be always second guessed. They grow up — and this is the worst thing we do to girls — in a society that thinks that by being assaulted, there must have been something the woman did to cause it; of course she was already guilty.

One in five Australians believe that a woman raped while having too much to drink is partly responsible; one in six thinks that women are actually consenting to sex even if they said no. These shocking statistics resulted from a poll of 17,500 Australians in research conducted by VicHealth in September of last year. The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) lists some ways to “reduce your risk of sexual assault,” and the list includes: Avoiding dangerous situations, such as going out at night, even though 33% of rapes happen in the day time, the supposed ‘safe time’; avoiding drugs and alcohol so you can always be aware of your surroundings; don’t talk to strangers, even though two thirds of rapes are committed by a relative or family friend; and, finally, don’t leave your drink unattended, as this is practically an invitation to be drugged. Notice how these methods indicate that it could be your fault for being raped, and you as the female are in charge of ensuring your own safety. If you’re promoting changes to women’s behavior to stop rape, you’re really saying, “make sure he rapes the other girl.” Society says, “if you make good choices, you won’t get raped.” You couldn’t be more wrong; you can make all the good choices in the world and still get raped, because unfortunately that is the culture we live in.

The question we must ask ourselves is, have we become a rape accepting society? One in 5 girls have been or will be raped while only 3% of rapists ever see a day in prison. To put this in perspective, out of 65 women, 13 on average will be raped, but only 0.39 of the rapists will go to jail, and not even one rapist will be committed. Every time you victim blame a woman who has been sexually exploited or violated, chances are someone you know and love quietly stops trusting you. Women are scared to tell people what horrific acts have happened to them for fear of being shamed and blamed, or even made fun of.

Part of our culture is rape jokes. Here’s one I came across on Facebook late last year; it had over 400 likes: “I was raping some girl the other night and she sobbed, ‘My boyfriend will kill you when he finds you, you bastard.’ I replied, ‘Listen love, don’t hate the player, hate the game.’” Don’t hate the player, hate the game. This implies that rape is just a game in society and rapists are the players. This vomit-worthy joke is a more extreme example; a more common case would be saying a football team got “raped” after losing by many points. This symbolizes society’s need to teach people not to rape rather than “don’t get raped.” The fact that this violent crime is the butt off many jokes proves that something is seriously wrong. Rape jokes are much more common in society as opposed to jokes about crimes of other serious natures.

Rape is not caused by tight clothes, flirting, or drunkenness; rape is caused by rapists.

So I pose to you all a question, me, as a 17 year-old high school student: Do I deserve to be raped? What if I’ve been really flirtatious all night? What if I get a lift home with a friend who feels entitled to a reward? What if I’m a virgin? What if I’m a slut? Maybe I’m a prostitute. What if I’m a little tipsy, or God forbid, I’m drunk? What if I leave my drink unattended at a party and someone slips in some Rohypnol? What if I walk home from school, alone? What if I am on a date and he’s paid for dinner?  What if he’s my boyfriend, or my husband? What if I’m 30, what if I’m 25, 21, 18, 16, 12, what if I’m 6? Think of your sisters, your friends, your mother, your cousins, your teachers — do they deserve it? Where do we draw the line?

Not being assaulted is not a privilege to be earned through the judicious application of personal safety strategies. A woman should be able to walk down the street at four in the morning in nothing but her socks, blind drunk, without being assaulted, and I, for one, am not going to do anything to imply that she is in any way responsible for her own assault if she fails to “adequately protect herself.” Men are not helpless dick-driven maniacs who can’t help raping a vulnerable woman; we must stop viewing them this way.

Stop blaming the victims. Blame the rapists.

Thank you.

Header image credit: Austen Hufford/Flickr