Fucking with Feministing: Sex Positivity

Welcome back to Fucking with Feministing! This is Feministing’s monthly sex advice column where we answer questions from you. I’m Sesali and I’ll be your resident sexpert with the help of our friends at the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) who have partnered with us to make sure that we have smart and safe with our sexy. We’re looking forward to helping you stay informed (and hopefully have great sex, because my feminism wouldn’t be complete without it). Send your questions to sesali@feministing.com – each month we’ll pick a question to talk about here. Questions will remain anonymous. We’re so glad that you’re Fucking with Feministing!

Q: Can you explain sex positivity and why it’s important to feminism?

Before we do a deep dive into sex positivity, let me just say that we at Feministing (and the CSC) believe that good sex is absolutely a feminist issue. And while being able to participate in good sex is not the sole basis for being a feminist, or sex positive for that matter, ensuring that this an option is a big part of many feminists’ politics. The ridiculous amount of homophobic, sexist propaganda denies people, especially trans people, young people, those with disabilities, and women the right to sexual autonomy. While a cocktail of heteronormative marriage ideals mixed with shame and repression dominate mainstream rhetoric about sex. Race and class have historically also played a key role in how we assign sexuality and desire tropes. Sex positive feminism offers several necessary interventions in this discourse.

A useful definition of sex-positivity offered by Cliff Pervocracy includes:

• An understanding that freedom of sexuality is something that everyone needs but few people have.
• Sexual pleasure is a legitimate thing worthy of ethical exploration
• A rejection of pre-conceived notions about what kind of sex people should have and judgements about what kind of ethical sex people do have.
• Understanding of sexual consent
• Support for honest, non-judgemental, and comprehensive sex education

But before you go trying to memorize what sex-positivity is, it is equally (if not more) important to get what sex-positivity is not. To this end, Carol Queen has offered some great examples of sex-negativity (which should not be conflated with a dislike or disinterest in sex):

• Problematically equating a love of sex with sex-positivity
• Using “sex-positivity” as a tool to manipulate others into having sex with you
• Shaming or judging people who are heterosexual, asexual, non-kinky, celibate, etc.
• Creating norms about what other people be doing regarding sex
• Prioritizing your personal sexual responses, behaviors, and attitudes

One of the ways that gender and sexuality are policed and regimented is by manipulating the messages about bodies and sex. According to Marlene Hoeber at CSC, limiting and controlling information about sex (including it’s potential for pleasure and healing) is a central social factor that perpetuates our culture of sexual violence. Hoeber describes the dangers of a code of silence and privacy when it comes to sexuality:

“This insistence on secrecy often takes a shape similar to the insistent secrecy of abuse dynamics. In a society where the constant threat of sexual violence is a central tool of gendered repression, frank discussion of sexuality as a means of self-discovery and personal healing has a simultaneous effect of demystifying some elements of what gives that constant threat it’s power; sexual violence is an even more powerful threat if it carries taboo and mystique.”

Some of the work of feminism thus becomes shifting these narratives and reclaiming bodily autonomy as a right. For example, heteronormativity has heavily influenced the way gender is read, assigned, performed, and embodied. As such, it becomes a salient site for sexism, homophobia, ableism, transphobia, racism, and patriarchy. Sex-positive feminism is willing to call out these systems of domination and their political implications. And let’s face it, if feminism is comfortable enough to call out hoe shaming, homophobia, objectification, and body policing, then it should be ok talking about fucking and the transformative potential it can have in our lives.

As a site responsible for engaging readers with varying levels of experience with feminism, a sex advice column is the perfect opportunity to have open conversations about sexuality and some of its complexities. We don’t assume that just because someone identifies as a feminist (or reads feminist websites), they have a comprehensive understanding of human sexuality. This column allows us to recognize and affirm our readers’ concerns about sex and sexuality using a sex-positive feminist lens. We don’t believe any questions from our readers are too basic or too nuanced when it comes to understanding the possibilities and limitations of sex. For some people, we are the first stop for those looking to rethink their world with a feminist lens. We want our readers to know that what happens in the bedroom is worth talking about just as much as what happens in the streets, Congress, and online!

So to be clear, for us, sex-positivity is not about having as much sex as you can, with as many people as you can without having any critical or complicated feelings about it. It’s having access to information and being able to have the sex you do want, even if that’s no sex. With that being said, thanks for checking out this month’s Fucking with Feministing! Send all of your sexy, salacious questions to sesali@feministing.com and maybe your question will be featured next month!