Fucking With Feministing: Vaginal Orgasms

Welcome to the second installment of Fucking with Feministing (check out our first installment here)! This monthly sex advice column is the place where readers get feminist advice on my favorite subject! I’m Sesali and I’ll be your resident sexpert with the help of our friends at the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) who have partnered with us to make sure that we have smart and safe with our sexy! We’re looking forward to helping you stay informed and hopefully have great sex, my feminism wouldn’t be complete without it. Send your questions to sesali@feminsiting.com and each month we’ll pick a question to talk about here. Questions will remain anonymous. We’re so glad that you’ll be Fucking with Feministing!

Q: Is it possible for a woman to orgasm during sex without clitoral stimulation or does clitoral stimulation always need to happen?

Getting off. It’s the best part of the day for so many reasons. Not only is it an amazing component of the sexual experience, it’s a transformative way to experience your own body. I remember the first time I ever climaxed, I literally thought that I had become an X-Man; or at the bare minimum, a Powerpuff Girl. Cumming is definitely like tapping into your inner superhero (or Hogwarts wizard). With that being said, this is a great question.

Before we dig into this, we (myself, Feministing editorial team, and our friends Carol Queen and Marlene Hoeber at CSC) want to take a moment to recognize that some of the information in this post may not apply across the board. For example, we recognize that some people use different terms to describe their ‘nether regions’ and that genitals and sexual responses of trans folks on hormones are not necessarily interchangeable with those of cis folks. Because the question asked about a woman with a clitoris specifically, we’ll be talking about experiences and expectations of women who are vagina-owners in this post, but we also know some of the answer will be relevant to other folks, too. We are also assuming that in the word “sex” is meant to mean intercourse.

The short answer to this question is: yes, women can achieve an orgasm without that clitoral stimulation. But it’s not as common as you might think, or as popular media might allude to. Carol has some numbers and context to back it up:

Stats generally point to about 70% of women NOT orgasming through intercourse alone. Now, sex stats are always somewhat dicey; this is hard research to get right. But it is NOT the norm for women to come during intercourse without additional clitoral stimulation.

So just to be clear, it’s a reality for most women, but not impossible. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your body if you aren’t able to get off from penetration alone.

But if you’re determined to bring out your Wonder Woman with something moving around inside of you. Carol and I have some tips:

• Arousal: (You) The more you’re turned on you are, the more likely you are to get off. This can include lots of foreplay (another post entirely), visual stimulation, or whatever suits your personal preference. But there are many factors that can influence women’s arousal and how their bodies respond to it. So while this definitely increases the likelihood that you’ll cum, it certainly isn’t required.
• Lube: On that note, don’t be afraid to introduce some of this wonderful elixir into your sex life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, using lube makes you a better feminist. And it will help “the little death” claim your life.
• Attitude: You should go into each sexual experience relaxed, having given yourself full permission to be present in the moment. This is the only way to ensure an enjoyable sexual experience, whether you reach a climax or not. And know this: obsessing on cumming the entire time is going to do nothing but PREVENT it from actually happening.
• Masturbate: Before you assign the role of “orgasm bearer” to someone else, you might want to give it a go yourself. Using penetrative techniques when masturbating is a great way to determine the depth and speed you require to reach orgasm. Pro-tip: Use an instrument that is similar in size to a penis or dildo, not just your fingers.
• Communicate: Generally speaking, sex is better when you do it with someone whom you trust and feel comfortable communicating with. Being able to tell your partner what feels good and what doesn’t is vital to making the most out of your sexual experiences. No one can tell you what your body likes better than you can!
• Get on top: Riding dick (strap-ons included) can be a great alternative to squats. But it is also a great position to facilitate an orgasm because not only can you optimally position yourself, you can move around – which is a good idea in any position. Being on top also allows you to apply more pressure on the clitoris.

Given our history of sexist control over female sexuality, it is in the interest of patriarchy to make women think that if they are unable to orgasm via vaginal penetration that they are broken, or that it is a reflection of the quality of their sexual experience with their partner. This simply isn’t true and your partner should be interested in getting you off by any means necessary, not just the ones that make them feel good.

Keep this in mind and good luck channeling your inner Xena! Again, send all of your sexy, salacious questions to sesali@feministing.com and maybe your question will be featured next month!